The Arms of the Ocean
by BelieveInNargles13
Summary: While exploring a planet, the Doctor runs into an old "friend". The Master. And he's out for revenge. The Master kidnaps Rose and leaves the Doctor a long series of clues to find her. He eventually does, but what has the Master put her through? And will she ever be able to fully recover?
1. Chapter 1 - Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)

_AN: This is my first attempt at writing a fic (although it is the second one I am publishing) so please be gentle. That being said, I would appreciate constructive criticism. All my chapter titles are song titles (followed by the lyrics) that remind me of what occurs in that chapter __because I am extremely creative and original__. The fic title comes from Florence + the Machine's "Never Let Me Go". __**Also, please take note that this fic has a lot of references to assault, rape, and suicide interwoven throughout the chapters, so if you find any of these triggering, just turn back now.**__ I really don't like when the author puts warnings at the beginning of chapters and it spoils what will happen in that chapter, so I am putting the warning here, and only here. __Also, the whole story (approx. 16 chapters) is pretty much written so it shouldn't take too long to get the entire story up._

_I also don't own Doctor Who. Obviously._

* * *

"I told myself – as I've told myself before – that the body shuts down when the pain gets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass. But just like always, I didn't slip away. I was left on the shore with the waves washing over me, unable to drown."

― John Green, _The Fault in Our Stars_

* * *

**Chapter 1 – Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)**

_Here I am a rabbit-hearted girl  
__Frozen in the headlights  
__It seems I make the final sacrifice__  
_

_I look around but I can't find you  
__If only I could see your face  
__I start rushing towards the skyline  
__I wish that I could just be brave__  
_

_I must become a lionhearted girl  
__Ready for a fight  
__Before I make the final sacrifice__  
_

_- Florence + the Machine, "Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)"_

* * *

Rose wakes.

It's dark. Too dark. She can never remember it being this dark anywhere on the TARDIS before.

She's not on the TARDIS. Something went wrong at their last stop. There was a man. Another Time Lord. The Doctor knew him. What did he call him? The Master?

She can't remember why they separated. She has a vague recollection of him telling her to run.

Her head hurts.

She moves to get up to find a light. That's when she realizes she is tied up. Her hands are bound together behind her back, tied to a pole. There is about four feet of slack rope between her and the pole. If she could stand up she might be able to walk around a bit. She pushes herself back against the pole and tries to use it to help herself stand. But the movement makes her head spin and she immediately slides back down.

"Doctor?" she calls out quietly to check and see if he is there with here. The only response she receives is silence.

_Think, Rose! Think! If you can remember how you got here, maybe you can figure out what to do next. _

She rests her head on her knees. Why does her head hurt so much?!

Then she remembers.

The TARDIS had just landed on a planet. Per usual, it was not where they intended to go, but that had never stopped them before. When they started exploring, it didn't take them long to determine that something was seriously wrong.

It was like walking through a ghost town. They were walking along a dirt road, lined with small stores on either side. It was one of those towns where shop owners lived right upstairs and everyone knew everyone. The kind of town where there should be some large event every other weekend in which the whole town becomes involved, celebrating their town history or something like that. But there was no one on the streets. No one in the shops. It was the middle of the day and there was no one anywhere. Occasionally they would catch a glimpse of someone peering through a window at them, but as soon as either she or the Doctor glanced up, the curtains would quickly be pulled closed.

She asked the Doctor what was going on, but he was so focused on their surroundings that he didn't seem hear her. He had just said something about turning back when they finally saw someone. A man in a suit stepped out from the shadows. She had never seen him before, but the Doctor must have recognized him because he immediately grabbed her arm, pulled her backwards, and stepped in front of her, shielding her from any danger this man might pose.

They started speaking in a different language, but for some reason, she couldn't understand it. The Doctor told her once that the only languages the TARDIS couldn't translate were the impossibly old ones that no one could understand anymore, like what they saw on the impossible planet orbiting the black hole, and Gallifreyan. They had to be speaking the latter. But how? How could this man know Gallifreyan if he wasn't a Time Lord? She thought the Doctor was the only one left. Even though she couldn't understand the words, she could tell by their tone and how tense the Doctor was standing that this was not a happy reunion.

After a short while of them talking, Rose noticed the Doctor's hand reaching slowly towards his pocket. Then all of a sudden he quickly pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed in above the man. Something fell on top of him, but Rose didn't have time to see what because the Doctor grabbed her hand and they started running. Fast.

When they were about half way back to the TARDIS, they turned a corner and hid in an alleyway. Rose could hear the man get out from underneath whatever was on top of him and scream in frustration.

The Doctor grabbed her arms and turned her towards him, making sure he had her full attention. His tight grip only increased her fright about the situation. Panting, he explained, "That man. He's a Time Lord. He's called the Master. I'll explain later. But he's extremely dangerous and he hates me. Run as fast as you can, faster than you've ever run before, back to the TARDIS. I'm going to go the other way and try and distract him. If I'm not back within 20 minutes…" He made sure she was looking directly into his eyes as he said the next part, "Leave without me!"

The tone of his voice and the look in his eyes told her that this was not something she could argue with. So she nodded. She would split from him and run back to the TARDIS, but she would wait for him. Like Hell was she ever going to leave without him.

So she ran. She ran fast. She didn't have far to run. As she turned the next corner, the TARDIS came into view. She pulled the key out from around her neck and was about to slide it in the lock when she heard something behind her. She spun around. The Master. He had a steel pipe in his hands. The next thing she knew, the pipe collided with the side of her head. Then everything went black.

* * *

Rose tries her best to get free of the ropes. She tugs at the rope on her wrists, which results in nothing but rope burn. She even tries to untie the rope connecting her to the pole. But for some reason, she can't find any knots. After about half an hour, when her fingers are raw from clawing at the rope and pole, she gives up and tries to think of her next move. She would try and see if there was anything around her that would help her sever the ropes, but, even though her eyes have adjusted enough for her to see faint shadows, it is still too dark to make out any objects. She knows if she waits long enough the Doctor will find her. He always does. But she hates the idea of being that girl who is always waiting for a man to rescue her. She is going to do everything she possibly can to get herself out of this.

She hears a door open and bright light pierces into the room, causing Rose to turn her head away. When her eyes readjust, she sees that the Master is standing in the doorway, smirking at her. She already dislikes that smirk.

He turns on the rest of the lights in the room. Rose takes this opportunity to look around, trying to find something. Anything that can get her out of this situation. But there is next to nothing in this room.

It is more like a prison cell than a room. There is one door, the one through which the Master entered. There are no windows. There is a cot against one wall, with a thin pillow and a single blanket. In another corner there is a toilet. That is it. Nothing else. This did not look like some place she wants to spend even one night.

"Well?" the Master starts as she finishes taking in her surroundings, "What do you think?" He gestures to the room. "I made it specifically for you. Well, I guess not you, specifically, but I knew the Doctor would have some human travelling with him. He always did have a soft spot for humans."

He walks towards where she is sitting. She backs as far away from him as she possibly can. He just looks at her and smiles again. He touches the rope connecting her to the pole, and glances at her raw wrists and bleeding fingers.

"I take it you already had time to examine these. Do you like them? No knots." He pulls something that looks a lot like a sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. "Made it a while ago. Modeled it after the one your Doctor has. Love the rope setting. It just takes two severed ends of rope and connects them. No need for knots. Hope I didn't make them too tight. That's a lie. I actually do."

He grabs the rope and pulls it so that she has no choice but to come closer to him. She tries to kick him, but he grabs her legs and pulls out another piece of rope. She tries to struggle and kick him off her, but he is a lot stronger than he appears to be. He ties her ankles tightly together and then attaches that binding to the one around her wrists. He maneuvers her so she in kneeling up in front of him. He takes one hand and brushes it over her face and through her hair. Rose knows pulling away will do no good, so she stares him straight into his eyes, hoping he will think that she's not scared of him. She is.

"I can see why he's kept you around. You're a pretty one." Then he looks into her eyes. "And you're feisty too, aren't you?"

She doesn't respond.

"Good." He stands up and walks back towards the door. "That just means I'll have more fun breaking you. I have a feeling you'll be here a while. We're in an untraceable location. I won't bother explaining how that works. I've left your Doctor a series of clues. The quicker he gets through them all, the quicker you get out of here. And you had better hope for your sake that he gets here quickly. The longer you're here, the worse it's going to get for you. But I wouldn't want to give you false hope. There are a lot of clues. And they're cryptic. I was the only one who could give him any sort competition in the intelligence department back on Gallifrey. Oh, he'll figure them out, but it'll take him a while. I owe him some suffering. The best way to make him suffer is to make you suffer. You'll start to hate him for allowing this to happen. He'll blame himself. That's what I want."

And with that, he turns out the lights and is gone. She is left alone in the dark to think about everything that just happened. So they had a past, the Master and the Doctor. They knew each other back on Gallifrey. Somehow they both survived the Time War. And at some point in time, the Doctor did something that angered the Master. But the part that scared her the most was how confident the Master had sounded when he told her she was going to be there a while, and how the longer she was there, the worse everything would get.

She doesn't even want to think about what that might mean. If it hadn't been for the way the Doctor reacted when they first saw the Master, how he used himself as a human (or rather Time Lord) shield to completely block her from his sight, and the fear she saw in his eyes and heard in his voice when he told her to run, she might not be as scared. But her instincts are telling her that this man is completely mad. There is no predicting what he will do to her, or how long it will take the Doctor to find her. But she has to have faith. She has to believe he will find her soon. If she doesn't, she's not sure how long she will last here.


	2. Chapter 2 - On Your Shore

**Chapter 2 – On Your Shore**

_I dig my heels into the dirt  
_'_Cause this one's gonna hurt  
__Won't let the waves wash me away  
__Is what I always pray__  
_

_In my heart I know you couldn't see  
__In the dark or find your way through me  
__Now I'm alone, my hands are numb  
__How do I carry on?__  
_

_At the turn of the tide  
__I feel this part of me die  
__Am I washed on your shore barely alive?__  
_

_- Charlotte Martin, "On Your Shore"_

* * *

The Doctor throws open the door of the TARDIS as quickly as he can.

_This is it. This has to be it._

It has been almost four months since the Master took Rose. He thought the Master would come after him. He would have bet on it. He did in fact. His inability to predict the Master's actions had cost him Rose. And he doesn't even want to think about what price she may be paying for it. He remembers running back to the TARDIS, thinking the Master was far enough behind him that he could run in and shut the door before he caught up. But when he arrived back where they had left the TARDIS, it wasn't there. He didn't think she would actually leave without him. It hadn't even been the 20 minutes he told her to wait yet. That's when he saw it. A steel pipe with blood and a few stray blonde hairs on it. The Master had taken Rose.

While he was trying to think up his next move, he heard the TARDIS rematerialize behind him. He rushed through the door hoping that Rose somehow managed to get away and was still on board. But as soon as he opened the door, he saw her key lying in the middle of the floor. It never left her neck. He raced over to the console and tried to check the history of where the Master had taken the TARDIS. But it had been completely wiped. There was, however, a set of coordinates programmed into the navigation system. It was his best, or rather only, lead, so he pulled the lever and went to where the Master wanted to send him.

While he was there, trying to find any signs of Rose or the Master, he stumbled across the words "Bad Wolf" scribbled on a wall. There was a number beneath the words. He memorized the number and anything else surrounding the sign, hoping eventually they would come in handy. After a few days in that location, he finally found a clue that had been placed there by the Master and led him to another location. Again, he found the words "Bad Wolf" and a number. He had to look for these numbers at every planet he ended up on. Once he had all the numbers, he then had to unscramble them to determine the location of where the master was (hopefully) holding Rose. This is his third attempt in determining the correct coordinates. It has taken a lot longer than he was hoping. Not to mention how there was always some major complication he encountered on each planet he stopped at that he couldn't ignore. He had gone through some major changes during that time.

When he steps out of the TARDIS he finds himself in a dark hallway with many identical doors running along each side. He calls Rose's name, but there is no response. That can't be a good sign. If she were here, she should have heard the TARDIS and would have done something to get his attention. He uses the sonic screwdriver to scan for any human life. He finds a signal coming from a room on the left at the very end of the hall.

He runs to the door, unlocks it, and throws it open, calling out Rose's name again. It's pitch black in the room, so he uses the screwdriver to turn on the lights. What he sees causes him to stop in his tracks and stare.

He sees a figure on a cot that he thinks may be Rose. But it looks nothing like how he remembers her. The girl he sees there is so skinny. When was the last time she had anything to eat? Her blonde hair is longer and completely matted. And bloodstained? She is wearing the same clothes she had been the last time he saw her. But they are a lot more worn. Torn in numerous places. Dirty and soiled.

He cautiously walks over to the girl. He can see her breathing. If he couldn't, he would think she were dead. He kneels down next to her head and brushes her hair out of her face. She has a black eye. It looks like her cheekbone has been shattered, and her nose is broken as well, which is hindering her ability to breathe. But it is definitely Rose.

"Rose?" he whispers as he continues to stroke her hair. "Rose? Can you hear me? It's the Doctor." He isn't sure she recognizes him. He sees her eyelids flutter as she struggles to keep them open.

He looks into her eyes expecting to see what he has always seen in them. Strength, fire, and compassion. But instead, there is a stranger behind those brown eyes. They are dull. Dark. Empty.

"No." she responds groggily and looks away. He has trouble understanding what she is trying to say, but thinks he makes out most of it correctly. "You're not real. You're never real. I want it to stop. Make it stop. "

The Doctor's worst fears are confirmed. She has lost her faith in him. She doesn't believe he is here, coming back for her.

His eyes drift up to the ropes tying her wrists above her head. A quick examination tells him that they are sonicked into place. And they are tight. He uses his own screwdriver to sever the ropes. Then he slowly starts to peel them away from her wrists. Rose grimaces and sucks in a breath.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," the Doctor keeps repeating as he finishes removing the ropes. Her wrists are raw and red. Every layer of her skin had been rubbed away. She had to have been struggling and pulling against them. Fighting until the very end.

When her wrists are free, he helps her sit up. She is too weak to stay up by herself, so he sits behind her and leans her body against his own. He wraps one arm around her shoulders and the other around her tiny waist. He holds her loosely, despite his urges to wrap his arms tight and never let go. She just seems so fragile. He is afraid she will snap in half if he holds her with too much force.

"Doctor?" she finally says shakily, as if she may possibly believe it now, leaning her head back against him.

"I'm right here, Rose. I have you. Do you think you can walk?"

She shakes her head and glances down towards where her feet are. He gently lays her back down so he can examine them. When he removes the sheet that is covering her legs, he sees that her ankles are also bound. So tightly her feet have turned purple. She cries out in obvious pain as he removes the embedded ropes that have cut down to her bones.

When she is completely free from her bindings, he returns to her head and resumes his position holding her. He gently rocks her back and forth whispering "I'm sorry" and "It's going to be okay now" over and over again.

Rose drifts in and out of consciousness. He needs to get her out of here. He swings her arms around his neck, and wraps one of his arms around her waist and the other under her knees. He easily lifts her dead weight up and carries her back to the TARDIS.

The Doctor is so concentrated on getting Rose to safety that the TARDIS door opens as he approaches, without him even reaching for his key. Once inside, he gently lays Rose on a bench near the console. His first priority is to get them far away from here. Although he didn't see the Master anywhere, he could still be nearby. He sets the TARDIS coordinates for a planet on the edge of his favorite galaxy. He sets the date for a time before the planet became inhabited by any humanoid life forms. Technically this is against the rules of time travel, but he doesn't care. Right now he needs to focus on helping Rose, and the best place to do that is where nothing and no one else can disturb or distract them. It takes him slightly longer to take off than it would normally because he wants to make sure the trip is a gentle one.

Once everything is set and they are about to appear in their new location, he walks back over to Rose and squats in front of her. She is awake. Her eyes are open, but she isn't seeing anything. She just stares at nothing. He tries to catch her gaze as he talks to her, but it doesn't work.

"It's okay, Rose. It's gonna be okay. You're on the TARDIS now. You're safe. I'm going to take care of you." He brushes his hand across her forehead. She is burning up. Probably from fighting off an infection forming in the wounds on her ankles. Those are his next priority.

He lifts her again and carries her to the sick bay. He places her on the bed there, gets some supplies, and starts cleaning where the ropes had been binding her. He can tell she is sore. She flinches every time the antiseptic touches the raw marks on her wrists. He examines her ankles and feet again, but her feet have not lost their purple coloring at all. He isn't sure how long it will be before she will be able to walk again. _If_ she will be able to walk again. He can't bear to see her in this much pain.

He does a thing he probably shouldn't. Something he would not do if it had been anyone but her. If it had been under any other circumstances.

He takes both his hands and gently holds them around her ankle. He uses some of his regeneration energy to heal her. He watches as the purple fades and the normal pink color of her skin returns. The corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly as her toes wiggle. When he removes his hands, he cannot even see a faint scar of where the ropes had been. He does the same thing to her other foot, and both her wrists. He may just have lost one of his regenerations, but that doesn't matter to him. At least now she won't have any physical scars as reminders of whatever it was she had to suffer through. He is more concerned about how too much of his regeneration energy could end up having a negative effect on Rose, but it is a risk he is willing to take if it means she will be able to walk again. He thinks about it for a second, does some calculations in his head, and decides she can still handle enough energy for him to heal the damage done to her face.

"There. That's better," he says to her. He places his hand against her forehead again. She is still warm, but not nearly as hot as she felt earlier. She still doesn't look at him. "How about we get you cleaned off and into some new clothes?" He hopes maybe if he gets her clean, she will start to feel more like herself again and she will come back to him. He fears it may be too late. That she is too far gone to return to the person he remembers and cares about so deeply. That she will remain this ghost of herself. But he will do everything he possibly can to pull her back to him.

He carries her into the bathroom, takes off her dirty, soiled clothing and fills the tub with warm water. When he removes her shirt, he sees the bruises on her stomach and torso. There are a lot of them at all different stages of healing. Some of her ribs look broken as well. He knows that at this point, giving her anymore of his regeneration energy would do more harm than good, so he decides that he will just wrap them later and make sure she rests until they fully heal the long way.

Rose still isn't fully in control of all her muscles and cannot (or maybe will not) sit up on her own, so the Doctor strips down to his boxer briefs and climbs into the tub with her, sitting behind her and leaning her against his chest once again. He had pictured and dreamed of a moment like this so many times before. Never did he think it would play out like this, with Rose within inches of the end of her life.

He does his best to wash her hair, but the amount of knots in it makes it difficult. He doesn't want to hurt her. He scrubs the thick layer of dirt and dead skin off of her body, careful to be as gentle as he can over her bruises. This is when he fully takes in just how emaciated she has become. He can see all of her ribs very clearly. Her hipbones protrude so much compared to the rest of her body. There does not seem to be any fat left anywhere. It disgusts and angers him that someone would let this happen to another person. That someone could watch this happen and not do anything about it.

When he's gotten her as clean as he can, he takes her out of the tub and wraps her in a large, fluffy towel before putting his own clothes back on. He dries her off the rest of the way and dresses her in her favorite pajamas. He does his best to comb through her hair, but it proves to be impossible. He ends up cutting her hair short, above where the majority of the larger knots are, and brushing through the rest.

He carries her once more, into her bedroom, where he lays her on the bed and pulls the covers over her. He wants to get some nutrition into her, so he quickly grabs a glass of apple juice and slowly tilts the glass against her lips. She manages to swallow some of it.

He leans down to her and strokes her still damp hair. "You should get some rest. You've been through a lot. I'll be right here the entire time you're asleep. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I won't let anything happen to you." And he sits down in a chair next to her bed. He holds her hand in both of his. She doesn't hold his back. She continues to stare off into space, but it doesn't take long for her to drift off to sleep.

The Doctor does as he promises and does not leave her side. He watches her and tries his best to convince himself everything will be okay. But his mind keeps coming back to blame himself for everything that has happened to her and how if she's not okay, he will never be able to forgive himself, and he starts pacing around her room, ending up in a chair up against the wall.

After a few hours, Rose starts to whimper and stir. Before long she is thrashing around, as much as her weak muscles will allow. The Doctor hurries back over to her side and grabs her hand again. He tries to shush and calm her. It does not help. Completely on instinct, he climbs onto her bed and wraps his arms around her, whispering in her ear that he is right there, it is only a nightmare, and everything will be okay. Surprisingly, she calms. She curls into him and slips back into her deep sleep.


	3. Chapter 3 - Arms

**Chapter 3 - Arms**

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?  
__I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown  
__I hope that you can see right through my walls  
__I hope that you'll catch me 'cause I'm already falling  
__I'll never let a love get so close  
__You put your arms around me and I'm home__  
_

_- Christina Perri, "Arms"_

* * *

When Rose wakes, she is lying in her bed on the TARDIS. Or at least she thinks she is. She hasn't been certain of anything she has seen for the past couple months. She uses the evidence that her arms are down by her side and that she can move her feet freely as further confirmation that she is no longer in her prison. She turns her head to the side and sees the Doctor sitting in the chair across the room. His head is buried in his hands, rubbing his eyes in obvious exhaustion.

_So it wasn't a dream. I didn't make it all up in my head. It actually happened. _

Rose tries to sit up, but a pain in her ribs stops her and causes her to grunt. When the Doctor hears her and lifts his head to see that she is awake, he smiles at her and walks over.

"Yeah. You probably shouldn't try to move much. I wrapped your broken ribs up, but they'll be sore for a while. I'll get you something for the pain once you eat something." He rearranges her pillows and helps her sit up in a way that causes as little pain as possible.

He leaves. When he returns he has a bowl of warm broth and a cup of tea. He places it on the table beside her bed and then pulls up a chair beside her. "Do you know how long it's been since you've eaten?"

Rose thinks for a minute, and then shakes her head. All she knows it that is has been a while. She can't remember the last time she even just felt hungry, and not so hungry she feels sick. She reluctantly tries to think back to the past few months. It's all a bit fuzzy, but piece by piece the memories start coming back to her.

The first thing she remembers is from near the end of her captivity, when the Master came into the cell and told her he was leaving. He said that the Doctor should have been there by now and must have stopped looking for her. As much as she hated it and would never have admitted it to her terrorizer, she agreed with him.

The Master had been dosing the sporadic meals he would give her with drugs. Everything from the first night he drugged her on is discombobulated and trying to think about it makes her head hurt. She vaguely remembers brief periods of time near the end where she was somewhat lucid, but then she would realize how thirsty she was. She would pull on her ropes as much as she could in order to wrap her lips around the straw of a glass of water he had left by her bed. The water was also laced with hallucinogens. She would take a sip. Not a huge one, but one large enough to throw her back into her drug-induced haze and sustain her for another couple of day.

The day before the Doctor found her was the day she finished off the glass. She has no way of knowing how many days that was after the Master had left her alone to die. She hallucinated a lot during that time. That was why, when he finally came to rescue her, she didn't believe it was really him. She had finally learned to stop believing anything she saw. But that final mirage, which was not actually a hallucination, was different. She didn't just see and hear him, he interacted with her. She remembers the sting as her bindings were removed from her wrists. And when he sat her up, she realized she was free. How would she have gotten free if he wasn't actually there? There must have been the smallest amount of hope still left inside her, because she found it and held onto it as she allowed herself to question if it was really him and start to think that she might actually make it out of that room.

As he removed the bindings from her ankles, it felt as though he was ripping off her skin. The agony caused her vision to go black. When it came back, he was sitting behind her, holding and rocking her. He kept whispering in her ear, repeating the same phrases over and over, but she wasn't listening. She was wondering, _Why now? What is he doing here now? _What had taken him so long? She was so close to everything ending. She knew a few more days and she would be released from her hell. Now, even though he saved her, she will still spend every day of her life trapped in that room.

She doesn't remember much after that. The last bit of strength she had drained away when she realized she was free. Her subconscious knew she was safe now that she was with the Doctor, even if her conscious self didn't completely agree. She recalls him carrying her and the sound of his voice, but never what he was saying. All she knows is that somehow she ended up in bed, in her pajamas, feeling cleaner than she has in the past four months. She doesn't contemplate how that happened any further, embarrassed about what kind of marks the Doctor might have seen covering her body, showing him evidence of what she had suffered.

The Doctor, pulling her out of her memory and back to the present, gives her a sad smile and says, "Well, I brought you something to eat. It's not much, but I don't want to give you too much right away. It could shock your body. "

Rose simply nods as he pulls out a tray table and places it in front of her on the bed. He places the bowl and cup on the tray. Rose grabs the spoon and tries to feed herself. The pain in her ribs keeps her from leaning too far forward from her current position. Her arms are weak from being restrained for so long. Her hand shakes as she tries to get the spoon to her mouth. She is able to successfully manage the first mouthful. As she tries to get the second spoonful to her mouth, she drops the spoon and spills broth onto the bed.

She is embarrassed that she cannot even feed herself. The Doctor is sitting next to her, witnessing her struggle. Her eyes begin to fill up with tears of shame and frustration. The Doctor grabs a napkin and wipes up the spill. Then he places his hand against her cheek and wipes a tear away with his thumb. He grabs the spoon and feeds Rose. The thought of food is still making her feel slightly nauseous, so she only allows him to feed her a few spoonfuls before she shakes her head in refusal. He then picks up to cup of tea and slowly tilts it against her lips.

As the warmth trickles down her throat, Rose realizes how long it has been since she has had a cup of tea. It was a familiar, comforting taste, reminding her of home. Of her mum. She really wishes she could see her mum again. She wishes she could just go to her mum and she would hold her without Rose having to explain a thing. Throughout her entire life, it had always been her and her mum. Her mum had comforted her through cases of bullying, fights with friends, and heartbreaks coming from the pain of a first love. That's what she wanted right now. That's what she needed. To run to her mum and breakdown.

But she can't do that. Her mum is in an alternate universe. A parallel world that she can never get back to. She made that decision the day the held on to the lever in the Torchwood building until the void closed between her and her family. She had never regretted her decision until this moment, when the only thing she really wanted was the one person who had always been there for her, no matter what.

When the Doctor pulls the cup away, Rose leans back and rests her head against the wall behind her. She closes her eyes and wills herself not to cry. But with everything she has been through in the past few months and everything she is feeling now, she knows it is a lost cause. How can she be expected to live like this day after day? All alone without her family to comfort her. Just the man who left her alone and allowed this to happen to her in the first place. Barely even a few seconds go by before she feels the first tear stream down her cheek.

The next thing she knows, she feels a pair of arms wrap around her and hold her tightly. She is reminded why she made the choice she made. He too makes her feel safe and has been there for her whenever she needed him. It had been so long since she had felt those arms around her. She had forgotten just how perfectly they fit and how safe she feels inside them. She is wrong to blame him. None of what happened to her is the Doctor's fault. It is the Master's. This was his goal all along. To break Rose so far down that she loses all faith in the Doctor. To hurt him through hurting her. If she keeps blaming the Doctor, the Master will win. She cannot allow that to happen. She has to dig deep and find that little bit of faith that allowed her to believe the Doctor was really rescuing her. She has to hold on to that faith as tightly as she can and use it to believe that the Doctor did everything he could to get to her as soon as he could, and that, eventually, she will be okay again.

Although her broken ribs hurt her, she takes a deep breath, leans into his embrace, and allows herself to breakdown in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4 - I Won't Let Go

**Chapter 4 - I Won't Let Go**

_It hurts my heart  
__To see you cry  
__I know it's hard  
__This part of life  
__It finds us all  
__But we're too small  
__To stop the rain  
__Oh but when it rains__  
_

_I will stand by you  
__I will help you through  
__When you've done all you can do  
__And you can't cope__  
_

_I will dry your eyes  
__I will fight your fight  
__I will hold you tight  
__And I Won't Let Go__  
_

_- Rascal Flatts, "I Won't Let Go"_

* * *

The Doctor read this book once on the heart's code. In it, the author poses a theory that this "code", a type of spiritual energy, travels 186,000 miles from a person's heart into space in the matter of one second and can be used to heal the heart of a person who is sick or injured. This theory is never proven, and the Doctor has always been skeptical of its credibility. Right now, however, he chooses to push aside any doubt he had and fully believe this theory. If a heart could help heal, then surely his two could do even more than one. Besides, he doesn't know what else he can do to help the broken girl curled in his arms.

He holds her tight. Probably too tight for her injuries, but when she leans into him instead of trying to escape his grip, he knows she needs this more right now.

He can't imagine what she has been through. He wants to ask her. Maybe if he understands more, if he knows exactly what she went through while in the Master's imprisonment, he can figure out how to help her. But at the same time, he's really does not want to know. Everything that she has been through is his fault. The Master wanted revenge for something he had done. And he decided to get it through Rose. The way he knew would hurt the Doctor the most.

He also doesn't want to ask her before she is ready to tell him. He will give her time. Time to heal and start to recover. Time to adjust back to life on the TARDIS. Maybe even enough time for her to start trusting him again. There is no way she still could after he had all but completely abandoned her for several months.

When she has stopped crying and her breathing returns to a normal rhythm, she lifts her head and leans it against him, making no attempt to leave his embrace. He takes that as a sign to keep his arms draped around her.

He feels as though he should say something to her, but what words does one use in a situation like this? She spares him from having to figure it out with the first coherent words she has said to him since before they split up and ran from the Master.

"I was so scared. I didn't think I was going to ever make it out of that room alive." The sound of her voice shocks him. It is so familiar. It comforts him and gives him a slight sense of relief. He had not been sure he would ever hear it again. But at the same time, it's different. He isn't quite sure how to describe the change. It is subtle, but since he knows her voice so well, it seems so obvious. The only word he can think of to describe this change is 'haunted'.

He tightens his arms and rests his chin lightly on top of her head. "I am sorry. I am so, so sorry! None of this should have happened to you. All this is my fault."

Rose shakes her head, but says nothing. After a few more all too short seconds, she pulls away from him and sits back again, wincing and resting a hand on her ribs. The Doctor tells her he will be right back, and goes to get a syringe filled with a strong analgesic.

"This should help with the pain," he says as he re-enters her room and takes his seat in the chair next to her bed. "It also will most likely make you extremely tired. You should sleep if you can." He sees she is hesitant, so he repeats what he told her last time she slept, "I'll be right here the entire time you're asleep. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I won't let anything happen to you." She hesitates for another second, but then she nods and allows the Doctor to administer the painkiller. He helps her lay back down and sits down in his chair. Within a minute her eyes begin to droop and she falls asleep.

Once again she begins having nightmares. Once again the Doctor lies down next to her to calm her. Once again he is gone before she wakes up and she doesn't know he was ever there.

* * *

The next time Rose wakes up, she actually feels a bit rested. She still hurts, but a lot less then she previously had. She looks at the Doctor's chair only to realize he isn't there. This was the reason she didn't want to take the pain killer in the first place. She was afraid if she closed her eyes, he would disappear. Or she would. Or something would happen to one of them and she'd never know. She panics. She quickly sits up, despite the ache it causes, and calls out to him.

"Doctor?" No response. Where could he be? He had promised her he wouldn't leave her. "Doctor!" she calls out, louder and with more urgency.

This time he comes running into her room. She is relieved when she sees him. She lets out a deep sigh and runs her hands through her hair, only then realizing how short it is. She doesn't have time to ponder on it further as he rushes over and hugs her.

"I'm sorry," he says. She feels like he has done a lot of unnecessary apologizing recently. "I thought you'd be out for at least another hour. How are you feeling?" he asks as he releases her.

"Better, I think. How long was I asleep?"

"About 19 hours this past stretch. But you've been back on the TARDIS for a total of about four days now." He tells her that she had been in and out a couple of times during the last few days, but only long enough to eat, well, be fed, a bit more and receive another pain-relieving, sleep-inducing injection. She has no recollection of these times. A side effect of the drugs. "Hold on." He leaves the room again and returns with more for her to eat. Slightly more substantial than broth, but only slightly. Again she begins by trying to feed herself, but after a few mouthfuls she needs his help.

When she is finished eating, he hands her two pills. "These are only mild painkillers. They won't completely erase your pain, but they should ease it. And you'll be able to stay awake." He gives them to her and she swallows them.

The effects are almost immediate. Like he said, she still feels some pain, but a bearable amount. She feels slightly groggy, but she can fight that to stay awake.

"Mind if I examine your ribs?"

She shakes her head and lifts her shirt partially up to allow him access. He gently removes the bandages he had applied four days ago when he first got her back onto the TARDIS. She feels a slight warmth in her stomach as he gingerly runs his fingers along her ribs to feel what was going on underneath her skin. She doesn't think it is really necessary since he can clearly see her ribs through her skin. She didn't realize how emaciated she had become.

"It still looks like a few are broken, but they definitely look better than they did a few days ago." He applies a new bandage and she leans back.

She subconsciously begins rubbing her wrists, like she used to do if there was ever a moment when they weren't tied up during her captivity. That's when she realizes there were no markings on them. She figures there should still be some rope burn or scarring.

The confusion must be written on her face. "I used some of my regeneration energy on your wrists and ankles. They were really bad. The ropes were attached too tightly. You probably would have lost function in your feet. I would have healed your ribs as well, but too much regeneration energy could have been more harmful than helpful," he explains.

Rose nods. She's not sure exactly what it means that he healed her with his regeneration energy or what consequences there might be, but she doesn't bother worrying about it. Not yet anyways. She knows he only did it to help her. And if he's telling the truth about her feet, and she is not sure why he would lie, then she is thankful.

She's thankful for a lot of things he's done for her recently. Rescuing her. Healing her. Being her hands when she was too weak. Putting his life of high speed danger and adventure on hold for her. It didn't escape her notice that he hasn't asked a single question about what happened to her, other than when the last time she ate had been. She also realizes that she wants him to know what the Master has done to her. It is something she can't expect to live with if she has to keep going through it all on her own. She needs him to know. She doesn't know how much she'll be able to get through, but she at least wants to try.

"Some days," she begins, not able to look at him. The Doctor must know what she's about to say, because he sits down on the bed and holds her hand. She squeezes his back. Tightly. "Some days he would be extremely angry for no apparent reason. He would come in, and then he would just start kicking me. I would always try and back away, but there was only so far I could go before he would have me backed up against a wall. One time he was so angry, it felt like a good 40 minutes before he stopped. It was hours before I could get off the floor. And other times…"

She pauses and swallows back the tears that are threatening to fall.

"Rose, you don't have to do this if you're not ready."

She shakes her head. "If I stop now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to start again." Which is true. It was a lot harder to get the first words out than it is to keep them coming.

She tells him about the times the Master would leave her alone for days without any food or social contact. She tells him how lonely she felt. She tells him how he drugged her and how she began hallucinating and stopped knowing the difference between imagination and reality. She also tells him that the only thing that got her through was to think about him and all the happy times they shared together. But there's a lot she doesn't tell him. She doesn't tell him about how those happy times that got her through had the opposite effect later on. That she had lost her faith in him some time during month three. She doesn't want him blaming himself more than he already does. She leaves out another major event she suffered through. She's too embarrassed and ashamed to say it out loud. She's also not sure what he would do with the information. She hopes that if she ignores that it happened, maybe she can forget about it. Other than that, she tells him basically everything she can remember. She gives him the watered down version. Partly for his sake, and partly because she can't get the words out.

The entire time he just sits there in silence and listens to her every word and holding her hand. Even when the tears start rolling down her cheeks and she starts shaking, neither of them move, afraid of breaking the flow of words, in case they wouldn't start again. When she finishes, he squeezes her hand tightly. He places his other hand behind her head, leans forward, and kisses her on the forehead before enveloping her trembling body in another embrace.

* * *

**AN: **_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, and followed! Hope you are all enjoying!_


	5. Chapter 5 - My Skin

**AN****:**_ I want to apologize profusely for how long it took me to get this chapter up (if you don't want to listen to my rambling explanation as to why it took so long, feel free to skip directly to the chapter, ignoring the rest of this note, but keep in mind that this isn't my favorite chapter I've ever written). I was all set to post it after my trip, but then I was editing it and really didn't like the beginning. I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it, so I gave up for a while. Then I got distracted by LeakyCon and reading others' fics, yadayada etc. But anyway, hopefully it will never take me this long to get a chapter up again. I'm not making any promises because I am extremely hard when critiquing my own work so if I don't like something, I won't post it. _

_Anyways, back to the story. In which I make up a backstory for the Doctor. _

* * *

**Chapter 5 - My Skin**

_Take a look at my body  
__Look at my hands  
__There's so much here that I don't understand__  
_

_I've been treated so wrong  
__I've been treated so long  
__As if I'm becoming untouchable__  
_

_I'm a slow dying flower  
__In the frost killing hour  
__Sweet turning sour  
__And untouchable__  
_

_Oh, I need the darkness  
__The sweetness  
__The sadness  
__The weakness  
__Oh, I need this__  
_

_I need a lullaby  
__Kiss goodnight  
__Angel sweet love of my life  
__Oh, I need this__  
_

_- Natalie Merchant, "My Skin"_

* * *

The next few days are much of the same. The Doctor plays nurse to Rose, helping her regain her strength. They take short walks around the TARDIS, the Doctor constantly rambling to keep her distracted from whatever is going on inside her mind. She doesn't often absorb his chatter, but is happy for the distraction.

Her nightmares have become worse. His arms wrapped around her are not enough to soothe them anymore. The past few nights he has had no other choice but to shake her until she is awake. She always awakes with a scream and sits straight up, looking terrified. The first time he had to wake her from her terrors, he had immediately tried to embrace her and ensure her she was safe, which had only made matters worse. Since then, he always gives her a moment to reorient herself and figure out who he is and where they are before holding her and trying to rock her back to sleep.

One afternoon, or at least it feels like afternoon, time becomes even more abstract when you never leave the TARDIS, Rose decides that what she really wants to do is take a long, hot bath. Being alone probably isn't the best idea. The Doctor is really good at distracting her from all the different thoughts ricocheting around her mind. Even when he is not trying to.

While alone, Rose cannot escape the memories of her captivity. Her memories are so vivid, she can feel his feet impacting her ribs. His fists pounding against the sides of her head. His hands all over her. She grabs the loofah and scrubs everywhere. As hard as she can. Rubbing her skin raw. So raw in some places, she draws blood. When she finally feels almost clean, or rather comes to the realization that she will never feel properly feel clean again, she takes a deep breath and slides down so she is completely submerged under the water.

She stays under for almost a minute, hoping the water will wash everything away from both her body and her mind.

For a moment, she thinks it might be easier to stay under. To let the water take her. But then she remembers the Doctor. She thinks about how much he has done for her recently, nursing her back to health, putting his life of endless danger and adventure on hold for her, and how in all that time he has never pushed her to talk about what happened. He would occasionally ask if she wanted to discuss her nightmares, (she never did,) but he never tried to force her to talk about them when she refused. She though about how guilty he would feel if she never came back up. She knows he still blames himself for everything she suffered.

But how would he feel if he knew the whole truth? If he knew about everything she had been through and how damaged it left her. She's been trying to act more whole around him. Like she hasn't been torn to a million tiny pieces and put back together in a form barely resembling herself. She is sure she hasn't been very successful, especially at night when nightmares and memories plague her dreams and she trembles in his arms for hours after he wakes her.

She remains under the water for as long as she can, until she makes a last second decision and sits up quickly, taking in a deep breath of air.

For some reason, she does feel slightly better afterwards.

She gets out of the tub, wraps a towel around herself, and looks in the mirror. She takes a moment to really take in her new appearance for the first time. The vague Rose-form that the millions of broken pieces formed when hastily glued back together. The first thing she notices is how short her hair is. The Doctor had told her that he had no choice but to cut it short. It will take her a while to get used to it. It is cut to just below her ears. She hadn't had it this short since she was about 8-years-old. Her eyes drift from her hair to her face. She hardly recognizes herself. Her face is pale and thin. Her eyes are hollow, empty, and sunken. She doesn't like what she sees. Who is the stranger and where did Rose Tyler go? She secretly vows to avoid mirrors for the time being.

She dresses in clothes that are not hers, for none of her clothes fit anymore. She has to find smaller ones in the TARDIS dressing room. There is a wide variety of choices, but she usually just opts for a pair of sweatpants or jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt that is far too large for her. But it smells like the Doctor and makes her feel safer. Not necessarily safe, but safer than she feels without it.

Once dressed, she goes to find the Doctor. He is what she really needs right now. To be near him and forget about the bathtub and the sense of relief being under the water almost brought her. He is sitting on a couch in the library. When he sees her standing in the doorway, he puts the book he is reading down and scoots over to make room for her. She walks over to where he is sitting and curls up on the opposite end of the couch.

"What's that one about?" Rose asks, indicating the book he just put down.

He picks it back up. "Oh you know. The usual. Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! No… Wait… That's Beauty and the Beast. Ooooorrr possibly Harry Potter. This isn't nearly as exciting. It's a biography of a woman who hasn't been born yet. She will do some pretty amazing stuff though." He smiles at her and she gives him a small smile back and shakes her head. She loves when he makes his silly references like that and acts as if he is just confused.

Her smile drops as she begins to feel guilty about how she contemplated ending her life just minutes ago in the bathroom. He's doing the best he can to act like everything will eventually get back to normal. It's time for her to try and do the same. But she's just not sure how. 'Normal' feels like so long ago she can barely remember it. She can't remember what her life was like when she was happy, carefree, and relatively burden-less.

She tried to think back to normal. To how she would feel when they first arrived on a strange new planet. She would always be full of questions about the people who lived there. Who they were. What they liked to do. What kinds of food they ate. Full of questions. Well, if that's normal then she's not too far from it now. But the questions she has now are less 'excited curiosity' and much more needing of an explanation.

She looks over at the man who has the answers. He's staring intently at her.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He raises his eyebrows at her.

She sighs and begins to ask some of the many questions that have been weighing on her recently. "Who is he? The Master? You said he is another Time Lord, but I thought you said you were the last."

He puts his book down again and turns towards her. She awkwardly shifts her gaze between looking down at her hands clasped tightly together in her lap, and looking into his eyes.

"I thought I was the only one. I'm still not sure how he survived the Time War. It's weird because I should have been able to sense him. It wasn't until he stepped out from the shadows and I was able to look in his eyes that I figured out who he was. He looked different from back on Gallifrey, but I could tell immediately. No one else had ever held that much contempt towards me."

"Why does he hate you so much?"

At first she is not sure he is going to answer. He stares off into space somewhere behind her.

"He and I were friends back when we were young boys on Gallifrey. Best friends actually. We were practically inseparable. As children, we are all taken to look into the Time Vortex. Most of us run away. I sure did. Not him though. He wanted to prove something. He stared into it for far too long. It drove him mad. Slowly at first. But as time went on he became more and more unstable.

"He had a girlfriend. Another one of our close friends. She was practically a sister to me and at the beginning I couldn't have thought of a better guy for her to be with. But one day when they were together, he completely lost it. Beat her so hard she ended up in the hospital. When she was released, she was all set to go back to him. To forgive him. She loved him. She found out in the hospital that she was pregnant with his child. I convinced her that their child would be safer without a father. That he was only going to become worse and they would be in constant danger. I helped her escape so he could never find them.

"After that he went off the deep end. His psychosis increased exponentially. I didn't realize that she was the last link between him and his sanity. We had to lock him away. I would still go visit him occasionally. Every time he would tell me how much he hated me for what I had done. He blames me for taking away all his happiness by separating him from the thing he loved the most. So that's what he did to me. That's why he did all those horrible things to you. I hurt him by taking away someone he cared deeply about, so he decided he would hurt me by taking away someone I care deeply about."

Rose reaches out to him and holds his hand. He looks at her. "You did the right thing," she tells him. "You protected your friend. You couldn't know that he was going to completely snap."

He squeezes her hand back. "It doesn't change the fact that you suffered because of me."

Rose is thankful that she didn't tell him everything the Master did to her. He blames himself more than she thought he did. It was a lot more personal than she could have imagined.

The Doctor's book, which had apparently been teetering on the edge of the table he had placed it on, falls to the floor with a loud bang, causing them both to jump and let go of each other's hands. He goes to pick it up and put it back on a shelf.

Then a thought hits Rose and she doesn't know why she hasn't asked until now. "Speaking of far off places," she starts, remembering what he had said about his book, "Where are we?"

He sits back down next to her and grabs her hand, looking concerned. "Rose, we are in the library. See all the books?"

She pulls her hand back and pushes him. "You know what I mean!" she laughs. It feels good to be able to joke and laugh with the Doctor again. Maybe 'normal' is something they can find again.

He smiles, grabs her hand again, and says, "Come see!"

He leads her to the TARDIS door and pulls the doors open. She gasps at what she sees.


	6. Chapter 6 - Alice in Wonderland

**Chapter 6 - Alice in Wonderland**

_'Cause it feels like I have just woke up  
__In a world where down is up  
__And up is a long way from here  
__And the big wheels really keep on turning  
__They don't slow down they just keep on rolling__  
_

_Well my name's not Alice but I know how she felt  
__When her world started turning into something else__  
_

_- Lisa Mitchell, "Alice in Wonderland"_

* * *

The planet they are on is beyond gorgeous. The best way Rose can even think of starting to describe what she is seeing is to use the word 'Seussical', if one even considers that a word, but something tells her the Doctor would.

There are trees and flowers of every shape and color imaginable. The TARDIS had landed in an expansive meadow of tall green and yellow grass, patched with bright, colorful flowers.

Rose takes a few steps forward and kneels down to one particular flower that catches her eye. It has many heart-shaped petals, each of which is teal on the outside and has a light pink tint in the middle. She leans forward to smell it. It's like nothing she has ever smelled before. A strange combination of floral and fruity. Almost like lilac and apples. Whatever it is, she likes it.

She stands up again and the Doctor is standing right next to her. He leans down, picks the flower she had been admiring, and tucks it in her hair behind her ear. "Beautiful," he says. She's sure he is talking about the flower, but feels herself blush anyway and looks away from him.

A dragonfly-like creature flies right in front of her. She puts out her hand and it lands on her finger. It has heart shaped wings with the same coloring as the flower, but more transparent. Its body is a luminescent gold with silver flecks. After a moment, the insect flies away.

"What is this place?" she inquires with the sound of awe in her voice.

He rubs his hands together and then gestures to the land surrounding them. "This! This is my favorite planet in all the universe, Rose Tyler!" Had he always been so fidgety?

He grabs her hand and practically drags her around the back of TARDIS and through a dense patch trees. The leaves on these trees are shaped similar to a maple leaf, but longer. Their coloring contains swirls of light blues and purples. The trees themselves are shaped in such a whimsical manner. The branches shape the leaves into three spheres, stacked to look like a three-leaf clover. But the spheres aren't just normal, solid spheres. They are spirals and twists that give the illusions of spheres. She wants to stop and look at everything, but the Doctor keeps pulling her along. He is acting like a little kid loose in a candy shop with an endless amount of money in his pockets. And his excitement is infectious.

When they make it through the trees to their next destination, Rose can't help but take another deep breath in at the sight she is seeing. In front of them is a huge, cascading waterfall. And although the water is pouring down, a little further away, it flows into a lake that is all but completely still. There, all the beautifully colored trees reflect off the bright blue, crystal clear water. All around them are more beautiful insects whose wings reflect the sun like diamonds might. Flying through the trees they see all different types of brightly colored birds, singing beautiful songs. Through the trees Rose sees a few rabbit-like animals and thinks she catches a glimpse of something that looks like a deer.

The Doctor, still holding onto her hand, runs over to the part of the lake that is still. When they stop again, she lets go of his hand and revolves slowly around the spot where she is standing, being careful not to miss anything. This is the first time she looks up at the sky. She's not sure what time of day it is supposed to be, but the sky looks like it is experiencing the most beautiful sunset imaginable. But there are also streaks of greens, blues, and purples, mimicking pictures Rose has seen of the Aurora Borealis.

The running they just did and the over stimulation from everything she is seeing overwhelms Rose and causes her to lose her balance. But of course, the Doctor is right there to catch her. He leads her to a large, translucent, green rock and they sit, looking towards the still lake. She links her arm around his and leans against his shoulder. Partly to make sure she remains sitting upright, but primarily to be close to him.

"The best English translation for this planet's name is 'Wonderland'." Rose finds that very appropriate. "We are here about 800 years before the first humanoids step foot on it. I'm not actually sure anyone knows it exists yet." He checks his watch. "Nope. Another 50 or so years until that one. Even I've never seen it this early. It's even more beautiful than the way I remember it."

They sit there for hours. Sometimes they talk about nothing of consequence. Sometimes they just sit in silence. But there is so much going on around her. So many new sights, sounds, and smells for her to take in. She doesn't once think about recent events.

At one point, Rose gets up, takes off her shoes and stands ankle deep in the water. The Doctor joins her. The water is refreshing, but not cold.

When it starts to get dark, they walk back to where the TARDIS is parked and lie in the meadow. It reminds Rose of their time on New New Earth where he had laid out his jacket for the two of them to rest on before venturing to the hospital. They gaze up at the stars. The sky is so clear that she can see more stars at one time than she ever has before. The Doctor points out some of favorite galaxies and constellations. She knows she is not going to remember any of what he is saying. But she still listens intently to the sound of his voice. It soothes her.

After a short while, Rose feels her eyelids become heavy. The next thing she knows, she can feel the Doctor picking her up. She wraps her arms around his neck and leans into him, not bothering to even attempt opening her eyes. He carries her into the TARDIS and places her on her bed, where she rolls over and falls asleep. The Doctor crawls in right next to her.

* * *

The Doctor lays next to Rose and watches her sleep, thinking about the day they just had, unable to wipe the smile off his face. It had been a great day. He keeps thinking about Rose's face when she first stepped off the TARDIS and when she saw the waterfall. It was the first time in a long time he can remember her looking truly happy, and not haunted by recent events. And she laughed. It's been so long since he has heard her laugh. That sound had been 1000 times more beautiful than any and all the birds singing on Wonderland.

He had thought about waiting longer before taking her out. Waiting until she was a bit stronger. He knew that the running they would inevitably end up doing would take almost all of her energy. But in that moment, he didn't care. He wanted to do something that would distract them both. Her from everything she had been through, and him from the knowledge that it is his fault. It wasn't as exhausting for her as he thought it might be. All she needed to do was sit down for a little while and recharge. He figured she would have started falling asleep long before they made it back to the TARDIS, but that was his Rose. Always stronger then he thinks. Stronger than anyone else would be in her situation. Even him.

He falls asleep lying next to her. In the middle of the night, while they are both asleep, Rose starts dreaming. The Doctors arm unconsciously tightens around her waist and causes the nightmare to subside.

The Doctor wakes up before Rose does. He sneaks out of her bed and into his chair. He pulls out the biography he has been reading. It's on the woman who will invent Faster Than Light travel. He has read this one before, but that's kind of the point. He just needs something to kill time while Rose is sleeping or doing something without him. He doesn't want something he will become invested in right now. He's still too worried about her.

About half an hour before he thinks she will wake up, he goes to the kitchen to start making breakfast. Just when he predicted she would, Rose walks into the kitchen, still wearing her pajamas, and sits at the table.

"So what's for breakfast today?" she asks.

"Pancakes. Blueberry," he responds, emphasizing the "oo" in "blueberry" as he puts a plate in front of her.

"My favorite."

Oh, he knows. He looks at her and winks before taking his usual seat across from her at the table. They eat their pancakes and talk and joke and laugh, almost as if nothing had ever happened. Almost.

They spend the next few days exploring every corner of Wonderland. It is definitely more beautiful than he remembers. But that might have to do more than with Rose's presence with him and how excited everything makes her than it has to do with the planet itself. Maybe they will never leave here. Sure, they will have to make trips to Earth occasionally to restock the groceries, which reminds him, they are almost out of milk, but other than that, why should they ever leave a place that makes her feel so happy?

But after a couple weeks, he starts to get antsy. He never has been good at staying in one place for a long time. And he knows she can tell.

One day, he gets a message on the psychic paper. He tries to close it before Rose sees. He wants to stay here longer for her sake. But he is unsuccessful.

She just smiles at him. "Let's go," she says.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not the only one in all of time and space who needs you. And you've already done so much for me. It's someone else's turn now. Besides, I know you hate being in one place for too long. We've been here for what? Almost a month now? I'm sure. Let's go."

"Well, if you're sure… Allons-y!" And he presses some buttons on the TARDIS console. The TARDIS shakes as she takes them away from Wonderland back to Earth.


	7. Chapter 7 - Riverside

**Chapter 7 - Riverside**

_I walk to the borders on my own  
__Fall in the water just like a stone  
__Chill to the marrow in them bones  
__Why do I go here all alone?__  
_

_Oh my god  
__I see  
__How everything is torn  
__In the river deep  
__And I don't know why  
__I go  
__The way  
__Down by the Riverside__  
_

_- Agnes Obel, "Riverside"_

* * *

As the TARDIS rocks, Rose is filled with a mixture of exhilaration and fear. She remembers back to how this feeling used to be so exciting. The unknown of where they were going to go and what was going to happen there. But now, the same unknowns scare her. It's been so long since she has interacted with anyone besides the Doctor, or the Master before that. She's not sure she's ready to be around large, or really any-sized, groups of people yet.

The TARDIS lands. Rose and the Doctor walk towards the door. Rose takes a deep breath as they step outside.

They are in an alleyway. She's not sure where exactly, but it looks like Earth. The Doctor offers her his hand. She grabs it and holds on tightly. Together they walk to the end of the alley and turn the corner onto a fairly busy street. Based on the clothing, it looks to be right around Rose's time period.

Rose is wide-eyed, looking at all the people to make sure the Master is not hiding amongst them. There are people going in and out of shops. People laughing loudly. Children running everywhere. There are men in business suits on their way to work. None of them so much as glance at her or the Doctor, but she remains nervous and vigilant.

The Doctor senses her apprehension as he tightens his grip on her hand and pulls her closer to him as they start weaving through the crowd and up the street. The Doctor seems to know where he is going.

Rose tries her best to keep her eyes straight ahead and away from the crowd, but she keeps thinking she sees the Master out of the corner of her eye. She should have realized that she was not ready for this. But she had wanted to be. She wanted things to go back to normal again. She knew the Doctor was getting restless back on Wonderland. He wasn't good at standing still for long. She had wanted to be brave enough to do this for him. And she was going to be brave. She closes her eyes for a second to take a deep breath and get her mind back together.

Then, out of nowhere, one of the business-suited men accidentally bumps into Rose. When he turns to apologize, the face Rose sees when she looks at him is not the man's face, but the Master's. It's not the man's voice that offers an apology, but the Master's.

Overcome with fear, she makes the biggest mistake she possibly could. She lets go of the Doctor's hand and starts backing away. She ends up backing into a dense crowd of people. People continuously bump into her turning her around in every direction. It is loud. To her, everyone looks and sounds like the Master. She covers her ears by tightly gripping her hands against the sides of her head and squeezes her eyes shut.

Her heart rate increases and she can feel it pounding in her chest. Despite the fact that her eyes are closed, she can feel the world spinning around her. Her legs give out underneath her, but before she collapses to the ground, she feels a hand wrap around her wrist and pull her out of the crowd. Her eyes fly open just in time to see the Doctor before he pulls her into him and a safe embrace.

"I knew this was too soon. Let's get you back to the TARDIS." With one arm wrapped around her shoulders holding her tightly against his body, he leads her back down the alley and into the TARDIS. Once inside, he unwraps his arm and leads her to the steps, where they both sit down.

'Sit down' is a generous term for the way Rose comes into contact with the steps. She more collapses as her legs finally give out beneath her without his arm supporting her and she is overcome with another dizzy spell. She tries to catch her breath but is unsuccessful. She keeps wheezing. Short breaths in and out are all she can manage. Her heart is racing. Her body begins shaking. She realizes she is freezing, yet she can feel her skin becoming sticky with sweat. She can't get her breathing under control, causing her to panic more. She looks to the Doctor for help and an explanation.

"You're having a panic attack," he says calmly as he repositions himself so he is sitting behind her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her firmly against his chest. "You need to get you breathing under control." Despite his calm tones, she can fell that his hearts are also racing. "Just focus on my voice and try to match my breathing patterns. In… Out… In… Out…"

Each breath he takes lasts about three seconds in and three seconds out. She tries to match her breaths with the rising and falling of his chest. It takes about a minute and a half, but she manages to breathe in sync with him. Both their heart rates slow to a normal pace. The Doctor loosens his grip, and Rose pulls away and turns to face him.

"I'm sorry," she begins apologizing, looking down. "There were just too many people. And I kept thinking I was seeing him." She knew he would know to whom she was referring.

"Don't worry about it. We'll just go back to Wonder-"

"No," Rose interrupts him shaking her head and lifting it to look at him. "You go ahead. I'll just stay in here and wait for you to get back. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" She thinks she means it too. "Someone out there needs your help. Besides, I think what I need right now is to have a little time to myself. Now, go out there do what you do best!"

He acts confused for a moment. "You mean push buttons and talk really fast about nothing of consequence until something happens that fixes the problem?"

She laughs slightly, glad he did something to relax her a bit. "Yes. Exactly!"

He smiles at her and gives her one last quick hug before making his way to the TARDIS door again. As he stands in the doorway he gives her one final look. A final chance for her to change her mind. She considers it for a second. He is her safe place and she doesn't want to leave his side, but she knows she has to learn to survive without him at some point. So she just gives him the most sincere smile she can muster and nods.

Rose sighs as the door closes behind the Doctor. She is alone. She walks over to the door and makes sure it is fully closed. When she is convinced it is locked and only the Doctor can get back in, she wanders around the TARDIS.

She still hasn't spent a lot of time alone. She tries to think of something that will distract her and not let her mind wander. She tries watching a funny movie. Then she realizes that her favorite part of watching movies like this is watching the Doctors reactions. He will laugh at the stupidest things, and she will laugh at him. She decides to put on one of her favorite shows and watches a few episodes. The Doctor still hasn't returned when she sits down to eat dinner. Afterwards she starts walking to the library. Maybe reading something will distract her.

It has been the things that she can't tell the Doctor that have been really getting to her recently. She wishes she could tell him everything she left out. She has tried to bring it up numerous times. But the words would never come out. So she would put on a brave face and end up talking about something else instead.

She is still having flashbacks and nightmares about everything. They lessen while she is with the Doctor, but they never go away completely. And her mind keeps playing tricks on her. Occasionally the Doctor will not sound right. It isn't the Master he sounds like, but he doesn't sound like himself either. She will look at him, slightly confused, until he repeats himself or says something else. The second time, he will always sound right. Other times he will brush up against her and the fabric of his jacket will feel wrong. But when she looks at him, everything seems normal. She has decided it is some type of post-traumatic stress and will go away with time.

She tries to figure out why everything intensified when she encountered so many people. Maybe it was because they had been isolated from other people for so long, but when she found herself surrounded she just became so overwhelmed. All the sounds and the smells and the people. It was like she was still hallucinating. Everyone looked and sounded like the Master.

She has to stop thinking about this. She is going to drive herself crazy.

Halfway to the library she becomes distracted. She enters a room just down the hall from her destination. She stands on the edge of the clear pool, glancing down into the deep end. She remembers that time in the bath. When she slid under the water. The peace she felt right before she had to come back up. Maybe she could get that feeling back again.

Without thinking, she takes another step forward and plunges into the cool water. She allows herself to sink to the bottom. She tells herself that this will be easier. She'll be able to forget. And the Doctor won't have to worry about her. He'll be able to go from planet to planet without having to wonder if she can handle it. This will be better.

Her eyelids begin to droop. Her lungs burn from lack of oxygen. She doesn't fight it. The last thing she sees is a strange man swimming towards her, then, everything goes black.

* * *

**AN:** _I'll try to get the next chapter up quickly as to not leave you all in suspense for too long. Rose's thought process for her actions will be further explored later down the road. _

_I just wanted to take some time here to say thank you to everyone who is reading, double thank you to those of you who have favorited and/or followed, and a triple thank you to those of you who have reviewed! Also, to DragonScaleXV who reviewed my last chapter hoping that nothing bad happened to Rose, I AM SO SORRY! But I have to admit that I laughed maniacally after reading that because I already knew what was about to happen. But don't give up just yet! Things can really only go up from here... right?_

_Oh, and if you haven't heard the song that this chapter is titled from, you should really go listen to it! It is creepy and awesome and I love it!_


	8. Chapter 8 - Never Let Me Go

**Chapter 8 - Never Let Me Go**

_And it's peaceful in the deep,  
__Cathedral where you cannot breathe,  
__No need to pray, no need to speak  
__Now I am under.  
__Though the pressure's hard to take,  
__It's the only way I can escape,  
__It seems a heavy choice to make,  
__Now I am under.__  
_

_And it's breaking over me,  
__A thousand miles down to the seabed,  
__I found the place to rest my head.__  
_

_Never let me go, never let me go.  
__Never let me go, never let me go.__  
_

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,  
__And all this devotion was rushing out of me,  
__And the crushes are heaven for a sinner like me,  
__But the arms of the ocean delivered me.__  
_

_And it's over,  
__And I'm going under,  
__But I'm not giving up  
__I'm just giving in.__  
_

_- Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go"_

* * *

The Doctor pushes open the door and steps inside the TARDIS.

"Rose!" He calls out. "I'm back. Sorry that took longer than I was expecting. Can you believe they thought a Lychnub alien was their pet dog?!"

No response.

"Rose?" He calls out again. He goes to her room and checks to see if she is in there. Nothing. That's when he hears the splash.

"Rose? Did you decide to go for a swim?" Seemed like an odd time for a swim. Rose isn't a huge swimming fan either. She usually only goes in if he is already planning to. And even then she tends to sit on the side and just stick her feet in, until he inevitably and obviously unintentionally splashes her and she feels the need for retaliation that is.

He walks down to the pool. He turns the corner. It takes him a second to find her, but then he sees her at the bottom of the pool. He can tell she is not just swimming. She's not moving and all her clothes are still on.

Without further hesitation or another thought, he dives into the pool. He grabs her and pulls her to the surface, bringing her over to the stairs and pulling her onto the pool deck. He lays her down. She is not breathing. He's not sure exactly how long she was under for. He begins giving her CPR. After a minute of nothing happening, he starts to push down on her chest even harder and with much more urgency, no longer caring if he cracks her ribs again. Finally, Rose coughs up the water that had entered her lungs and starts to twist onto her side. He sits her up and cradles her head tightly against his chest, rocking her back and forth.

"I thought I'd lost you again," he whispers. "Please don't scare me like that."

He rests his cheek on top of her head, pulling her even more tightly into him. He can feel her breathing heavily. Then she pulls away, stands up, and walks out of the room without so much as glancing in his direction.

He begins wondering how she ended up at the bottom of the pool. It's not like she doesn't know how to swim. And why was she in here at all if she didn't have a suit on and wasn't planning on swimming? He could only think of one explanation. She didn't want to come back up.

He ponders this as he changes into dry clothing. Had she been planning this? He knew he shouldn't have left her alone for so long, but she had seemed so adamant when she told him that she wanted to be alone and that he should go help whomever it was that needed him.

She seemed like she had been doing better. She hadn't quite returned to her old self yet, but she was so much better than when he had found her. He thought things could only have gone up from that point. But now this. Why hadn't he noticed anything was wrong? Why didn't he notice she was still so scared, broken, and without hope? What else could he have done? What else can he do?

He walks down the hall and gently knocks on Rose's bedroom door. "Rose?" he asks quietly. "Are you in there?" She doesn't respond, but he can hear her moving around. He tries the door, but it's locked. He can't remember her ever locking it before. He could open it with his screwdriver, but he respects Rose too much to do that.

"C'mon, Rose. I know you're in there. Please open the door and talk to me. I just want to understand." He stands there for about a minute with his head pressed against the door and his eyes clenched tight, wishing he was in there with her. Just when he is about to walk away and give her some space, he hears her unlock and unlatch the door. She doesn't open it all the way, but he takes it as a sign he can enter.

He slowly opens the door the rest of the way and sees her sitting on her bed with her back against the wall. She is still in her wet clothing. She doesn't look at him. He sits down next to her. Neither of them says anything. They both just sit there. After about 5 minutes of sitting in silence, Rose finally breaks down and begins crying.

"Oh god!" she exclaims pulling her knees into her chest and burying her face into her arms, which are wrapped firmly around her knees. The Doctor can just make out the muffled words she says next. "What was I thinking? I'm sorry. It just the nightmares, the flashback, the memories… It seemed like it would be easier for both of us if it would all just end!"

He turns his body so he is facing slightly towards her. He wraps his arm around her and pulls her into him. She is freezing. So he takes off his jacket and drapes it around her shoulders. She turns so that her face is buried into him.

He tightens his arms around her and leans his head down to whisper into her ear. "Nothing about my life would be easier if you were gone. You are a huge part of my life, Rose Tyler. I like it that way. I'm a better person because of you. I was angry and vindictive when we first met. But you. You, Rose Tyler. You turned me into the man I am today. I wouldn't trade the time we spent together for the universe. Even after everything, I still wouldn't trade a single day I've spent with you for a million days without."

She continues sobbing as he holds onto her. When her breathing returns to a normal speed, she lifts her head up and asks a question that, once she asks it, he knows has been bothering her for a long time.

"Can you honestly tell me that there wasn't a single point in time when he had me and you were searching that you thought about stopping?"

The fact that she actually has to ask that question pains him.

"There's something I want to show you," he says as he releases Rose, stands up from the bed, and offers her his hand. Her eyes are red and swollen. He can also see fear and doubt in her eyes, which he assumes are related to both the question she just asked and what his answer might be. She cautiously takes his hand as he leads her out of her room.

* * *

The Doctor leads her to his bedroom. She's never been in here before. It is actually a lot more normal than she expected it to be. There is a large bed with blue cotton sheets and a striped quilt. The walls are covered in pictures of the numerous places he has been. She doesn't have much time to take it all in though as he leads her directly to the far wall and desk.

That's when she sees it. There is a massive pile of papers on the desk. Star charts, galaxy maps, timelines. Pictures from every planet he visited on his journey to find her. There are photos of her alone and of the two of them together. Scribblings, circlings, highlights, notes. Pictures and maps are tacked to the wall, strings linked between them, indicating connections Rose can't even begin to understand.

She realizes why he brought her here. This is his answer to her question. This is everything he had done to find her. No. He never even thought about discontinuing his search. The search for her took over his life. Seeing this, she doubted he even slept between the time the Master took her and the time he found her.

The Doctor steps up behind her. "This is what my life is like without you. Chaotic. And if I didn't have you to search for all that time, it would have become meaningless. I felt myself changing back to that angry person I used to be when you first met me all that time ago in the shop. I was short-tempered and almost crossed so many lines I shouldn't have even come close to. All because you were in danger. So no, Rose Tyler. I never once thought about stopping."

She likes it when he uses her full name. He places a hand on her shoulder. She turns towards him and places her arms around his waist. His wrap around her shoulders as he lightly rests his chin on top of her head. She closes her eyes and listens to his hearts beat. They're fast, but it's nowhere near as strong as they were when she felt them beating through his chest after he revived her on the pool deck.

"I'm sorry," she says softly.

"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't know. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is that you know how much you mean to me. Everything else is just stuff we will have to work through together. Until then we'll avoid the busy planets."

A small smile passes over her face. Then she remembers the strange man she saw dive into the pool after her.

"Who was it that pulled me out of the pool?" she asks the Doctor.

He looks confused, "What do you mean? I did."

"You did? I thought… I mean… I'm not sure what I mean." She shakes her head trying to recall what exactly she had seen in those last few seconds before her eyes closed and the water entered her lungs. The smell of chlorine still coated the inside of her nostrils. Not to mention the fact that she is still wearing the same clothes wet, cold clothing. She obviously wasn't thinking straight then. Maybe she still isn't. "I thought I saw someone dive into the pool right before I lost consciousness, but he didn't look like you. Maybe it was just lack of oxygen."

"Maybe," the Doctor reiterates, still looking slightly concerned. Then he wipes that look off his face and asks, "So, do you want to hear all about the woman who thought a Lychnub was her pet beagle and became really confused when it started breathing fire?"

Rose laughs. "More than anything! But can I maybe take a long hot shower and change into some dry clothes first?" she wraps his coat around herself even more as they walk out of the Doctor's room.


	9. Chapter 9 - How to Save a Life

**Chapter 9 – How to Save a Life**

_Step one  
__You say, "We need to talk"  
__He walks  
__You say, "Sit down it's just a talk."  
__He smiles politely back at you  
__You stare politely right on through__  
_

_Some sort of window to the right  
__As he goes left and you stay right  
__Between the lines of fear and blame  
__And you begin to wonder why you came__  
_

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend  
__Somewhere along in the bitterness  
__And I would have stayed up with you all night  
__Had I known how to save a life__  
_

_- The Fray, "How to Save a Life"_

* * *

They spend another few days back in Wonderland. The Doctor keeps a close eye on Rose, looking for any signs of her slipping away from him again. He's not too concerned. He thinks what she did was a impulse decision she had made right in the moment. Not something she had been planning. She seems to regret the decision she made.

What does worry him, however, is that he is now sure she is not telling him everything. He had been suspicious for a while now that there is something she is hiding. Now, however, the dynamic between them has changed. She is quieter and avoids holding eye contact with him for prolonged lengths of time. It's as if her attempted suicide has allowed him to see just how vulnerable she still is, and she doesn't want him to see any more of that side of her, but can no longer hide it. She's trying to be the same Rose she used to be. But she's not that Rose. He can see it in those eyes. No matter how hard she tries, her experiences have changed her. It is up to her whether that change is for better or for worse. She can use what she's been through to become even stronger. She can let him in and strengthen the bond between them. Or she can keep it all inside and let it slowly eat away at her.

He knows he needs to break down this wall she is trying to build between them before she constructs it too high for him to push past.

One night they are watching a movie in the TARDIS. He's not really watching it. He's watching her. She's not really watching the movie either. She's just staring at the screen. He can tell by the look on her face that her mind is racing. He can tell that whatever she is hiding from him is big. So big she is either afraid to tell him, or she actually can't get the words out. While she is doing better, he knows that if she keeps this inside, it could wear her down. Too far down.

The credits begin to roll and the Doctor turns off the TV. Rose blinks herself back to awareness, and stands up announcing she is going to bed.

"Rose, wait." He reaches out and grabs her hand. "We need to talk." Rose hesitantly sits back down. The Doctor does his best to keep eyes contact with her as he talks to her, but most of the time she is uncooperative. "I can't help but feel as though there is still something big you aren't telling me. You've been shutting me out these past couple days. Changing the subject when I ask how you are doing." She's not looking at him. The confrontation makes her uncomfortable. He shifts his gaze to try and catch hers as he continues, "Avoiding eye contact whenever possible." She gives him a guilty look. "I just want you to know that whatever you need to tell me, I am right here to listen. You're obviously still hurting, but I can't help you unless you tell me what is wrong."

She breaks away from his gaze again and looks down at her hands, which are holding each other tightly on her lap. She opens her mouth and then closes it, trying to work up the nerve to say something, but the words don't come. After a few attempts, she places her head in her hands and begins rubbing her eyes. He reaches out a hand with the intention of rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her and help coax out whatever it is she is having a hard time telling him. But as soon as he places his hand on her, she jumps and moves away from his outstretched hand, as he immediately retracts it. Rose stands up. "I'm sorry! I just… I can't right now!" And she walks out of the room.

The Doctor doesn't know how to interpret what just happened. She had never reacted to him touching her like that before. He slowly follows her and sits outside her bedroom door. He can hear her crying inside. It kills him that he can do nothing to help her. He's irritated with himself. He shouldn't have tried to push her like that. He's afraid he has now made things worse and she will be more distant than before.

After what feels like hours, Rose finally cries herself to sleep. He hears her start dreaming. He can tell the nightmares are worse than normal. This is his fault. He tries the door, desperate to get in there and comfort her, but it's locked again. He's not even sure if she would find his presence comforting right now. Not after she seemed frightened by his touch earlier. So he sits in the hallway across from her room, completely helpless. Hating himself for stirring up whatever memories are affecting her so much.

* * *

Rose wakes up in a cold sweat. It wasn't a nightmare so much as a memory. She was back in her cell. The nightmare was so vivid that she felt like it was all happening again.

She gets out of her bed with the intention of going to the bathroom and splashing some cold water on her face. And maybe drink a gallon of coffee because she is not sleeping and potentially subjecting herself to that again. When she opens her bedroom door, she is surprised to see the Doctor sitting on the floor in the dark hall. When he hears her open the door, he looks up at her, with a concerned look on his face and red eyes. He heard her dreaming, didn't he? She walks over and sits down on the floor next to him.

"You're right. There is something big that I am not telling you. I want to talk about it. I really do. But at the same time, I _really_ don't. I just want to forget about it." She pauses for a moment, wondering if she should give the other reason. She has to look away as his sad green eyes stare at her, imploring her for more information on how he can help. Her head snaps back towards him. Brown. The eyes looking back at her are definitely brown. She runs her hands through her hair. What is happening to her?

She takes a deep breath and says what she's thinking. A sort of apology for snapping at him earlier when he was just trying to help. "I'm also scared to tell you because I'm afraid of how you'll react."

"You shouldn't concern yourself with how I'll react. I'll be fine. It's you I'm worried about. This seems too big for you to keep to yourself."

"I know. And I've tried. I really have. But the words just won't come."

He makes a move as though he is going to put his arm around her, but then changes his mind. She knows he is thinking back to earlier when she jumped away from his touch. She knows it hurt him. But her mind was filled with thoughts of the Master touching her, and when the Doctor placed his hand on her back, she wasn't expecting it. Her first thought was that it wasn't him, but the Master.

But right now she wants him to hold her. She needs him to hold her. She lifts up his arm and ducks under it, placing it around her shoulders. She slides closer to him in the process and his arm tightens as he lets out his breath.

"What if we find you someone else you can talk to? Someone who is not me?"

"Like who?" She doubts anyone else could even begin to understand. She can't explain who the Master is without someone who doesn't already know him thinking she is crazy.

"When I was looking for you, I ran into Jack. He works for Torchwood in Cardiff now. I filled him and his team in on the Master and what was happening. You could try talking to him, or maybe one of the other members of his team."

She is skeptical about this plan. In all honesty, she doesn't want to talk to a man about this. And the idea of talking to a complete stranger doesn't appeal to her much either.

"Please," the Doctor pleads as he pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head. "Will you at least try? If not for yourself, then do it for me. It will help me to stop worrying so much if I know you aren't dealing with this on your own."

She sighs. She figures the least she can do is try. "Okay," she finally agrees before standing up and walking back into her room, locking the door once more behind her. She lays awake in her bed, too afraid of what she might have to live through again if she closes her eyes.


	10. Chapter 10 - Drowning

**Chapter 10 - Drowning**

_I've got to hold on  
I__'ve got to be strong  
__Can't give up now  
__I've got to move on  
__I've got nothing left  
__So show me the way  
__I don't think I'm gonna last one more day_

_So save me  
__I'm drowning alive  
__And keep me  
__From dying inside  
__I only want to find my way back home  
__But I can't make it alone_

_I'll never make it alone_

_- Love and Theft, "Drowning"_

* * *

The Doctor phones Jack early the next morning to see about stopping by for a visit. He tells Jack that he found Rose about four months ago and that she is alive. Jack is a little irritated that it took the Doctor that long to tell him that she was safe.

"I checked the date I called you on and it's only a few weeks after I was there while looking for her! If time was linear and not all wibbly-wobbly I wouldn't even have found her yet, so in a way you're finding out before I am!"

"That's not the point Doctor and you know it." The Doctor hears Jack let out a deep breath. "But how is she _doing_, Doctor? Is she okay?"

It hadn't escaped Jack's notice that the only word the Doctor had used to describe Rose during the conversation thus far was 'alive'.

"I don't know. She's getting there. I think. When I found her she was not okay in the slightest. She was barely alive. I was terrified she wasn't going to make it through the first couple nights. She told me some of what he did to her. He beat her, starved her, drugged her. She was really messed up both physically and mentally when I finally found her. Little by little I've been trying to help her work through it. I thought she was getting better. She had started to act like her old self again. But then… about a week ago… she tried to drown herself in the pool."

"Oh god!"

"Thankfully I got to her in time. I don't think she's going to try anything like that again, but now I know there is something big that happened to her that she is not telling me. I tried coaxing it out of her last night, but I'm afraid I just made things worse. I'm hoping that maybe it has something to do with me and maybe she'll talk to you?"

"Of course. You know I'll do anything and everything for Rose. Get here whenever you can. I'll fill Gwen in as well. Maybe it will be easier for Rose to talk to another woman."

The Doctor hadn't thought about that. Or maybe he just hadn't wanted to think about that. "Thank you, Jack. We should be there around 8 p.m."

He hangs up just as Rose walks into the console room. By her appearance, he can tell she didn't get much, if any, sleep last night after their talk in the hall.

"Ready?" he asks her.

"Do I have much of a choice?"

He offers her his hand, which she grabs and holds onto as if her life depended on it. And maybe it did. He pushes a few more buttons and the TARDIS materializes in Cardiff.

Without relaxing his grip on her hand, the Doctor turns to Rose and says, "I'm not going to lie to you. There is going to be a lot of people out there. But it's fairly late at night, so it shouldn't be too bad. And it is only a short walk to the Torchwood headquarters. I'll be right next to you the entire time."

Rose takes a deep breath and nods as she releases it. She's as ready as she'll ever be. He grips her hand tighter and pulls open the doors to the TARDIS as they step outside. Like he had suspected, the street they are on is busy. But not extremely busy and they should be able to walk around without getting to close to anyone. They only have to walk a few streets before they find where Jack and Gwen are waiting for them.

Jack walks right up to Rose and hugs her. "I'm so glad you're okay." She seems tense in his arms, but returns the hug and thanks him. Jack also greets the Doctor with a hug before introducing Rose to the woman standing a few steps behind him. "This is Gwen."

Gwen comes forward and offers Rose her hand. As Rose shakes it, Gwen says, "It's nice to finally meet you."

"Likewise," is Rose's response.

Gwen then shakes the Doctor's hand. "And it's nice to see you again, Doctor." The Doctor smiles at her, wondering if she is being sincere. Last time he was here he had not been in a very good place. Rose had been missing for far too long. He may have snapped at Gwen a couple of times.

The Doctor grabs Rose's hand again as they all head towards the Torchwood entrance. Jack and Gwen lead the way, discussing their latest case, as he and Rose follow in silence. As the ground beneath them lowers them into headquarters, Rose grips onto his arm with the hand that is not in his. He looks at her and gives her a reassuring smile, placing his free hand on top of hers. He watches her as she takes in their surroundings.

"What do you think?" Gwen asks her.

"It's brilliant," Rose remarks. Her gaze shifts upwards as a strange sound is heard. "Is that a pterodactyl?"

Gwen laughs. "Yes. Yes it is. Do you want a cup of coffee or tea, Rose?"

"Uhhh… sure. Coffee sounds good." The two of them walk into the break room and Rose sits down as Gwen starts to brew a new pot of coffee.

"Do you want something a bit stronger than tea or coffee, Doctor?" Jack leads the Doctor over to a few chairs by his desk, still in full view of the room Rose is in. She keeps looking out through the glass windows at him, making sure he is still there.

"How are _you_ doing?" Jack asks the Doctor. "I know how much you care about her. This can't be easy for you either."

"I'm doing as well as can be expected. It's hard. I just wish I knew what I could do to help her."

"She's strong. She can make it through this. Together you will both be okay." Jack reaches into his desk and pulls out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He pours them both substantial drinks. They clink their glasses together before downing them.

They continue talking about what they've been doing since their last meeting. Every now and then, the Doctor looks over into the other room. At one point, he sees Rose crying into her arms, which are folded on the table, and Gwen doing her best to comfort the girl. Jack follows his gaze. The Doctor stands up and starts rushing over to the room they are in, but Gwen catches his eyes and shakes her head. He reluctantly sits back down, still watching the two of them.

The Doctor holds his empty glass out to Jack. "You had better make my next one a double." Jack obliges.

"So," Jack says with a look of dead seriousness on his face, still staring in Rose's direction. "Where do we find this guy and how do we kill him?"

* * *

Rose follows the unfamiliar woman into a room with a long table. Rose positions herself facing the windows so she can keep her eye on the Doctor, as well as the door to the room. Gwen starts a pot of coffee. She talks to Rose about Torchwood. What they do, how Gwen became involved with them. Rose does her best to listen attentively, but she keeps looking out of the room at the Doctor.

Gwen catches her in mid-stare as she places a hot cup of coffee in front of Rose. "He's really worried about you, you know," Gwen says as Rose adds milk and sugar to her coffee and takes a sip, burning her tongue in the process.

"I know." She looks down at her hands, holding the hot mug between them, warming them.

"Jack filled me in on what he knows about what happened. He told me you were kidnapped by an enemy of the Doctor. You were held for almost four months where you were beaten, starved, and drugged. The Doctor told Jack that there was something else that happened that you can't tell him. Jack thought it might be easier for you to talk to another woman."

Rose doesn't respond. She remains looking down at her hands on the mug. She should really move them. The mug is still extremely hot. But she finds the pain to be a welcome distraction from all the other thoughts running through her mind.

"Rose?" Gwen places her hand on Rose's wrists. She must feel the heat radiating off the mug, because the next thing she does is pull it away from Rose's hands and looks at her palms. They are both bright red. Gwen stands up and soaks a paper towel in cold water before sitting back down and placing the cool cloth against Rose's hands. "He's right, isn't he? The Master did something else horrible to you. Something you're afraid to talk about"

Rose nods. She's really hoping she won't have to say the words she has been trying to avoid. Jack is right though. She is less afraid to tell a woman than she is to tell another man. And even though she has never met Gwen before, there is something familiar about her face, and for some reason, Rose trusts her. But that doesn't mean she wants to say it out loud yet.

"Yes. And despite the fact that it's tearing me apart to deal with it alone, I can't talk about it. Because for some reason, saying it out loud makes it more real. Right now I can still try and pretend it was all a bad dream." She rubs her hand together, still throbbing a bit from holding them on the scalding mug. She then runs them through her hair, wondering if she should just say it. Pretending isn't doing her any good. But she can't do it. She can't get her voice to work and make the correct sounds.

"Rose, did he rape you?"

Rose closes her eyes and sighs. She isn't surprised Gwen figured it out. She has actually been wondering if the Doctor suspects, but is too afraid to ask for confirmation. What else could it be that Rose doesn't want to talk about, even after all she had already told him?

She looks at Gwen through watery eyes and says, "Repeatedly over the course of almost three entire months." She looks back down at her hands and begins to recall the events of countless nights in his captivity. "He would put these drugs in my food. I don't know what they were, but they would knock me out for a few minutes. When I would wake up, he would have my wrists and ankles tied to the bedposts. And then–" She swallows and rubs her wrists. "He would climb on top of me and–" She takes a couple shaky breaths before she is able to get out what she needs to say next. "And he would make me look into his eyes the entire time." When the tears start flowing, Rose folds her arms on the table and hides her face in them.

"Oh, Rose." Gwen places one hand on Rose's upper arm and begins rubbing the sobbing girl's back with the other.

After a few minutes, Rose regains some of her composure and picks her head back up. Gwen hands her a tissue and asks, "Why are you so afraid to tell the Doctor?"

"He already blames himself so much for everything. I don't want him blaming himself for this too. I'm afraid of what his reaction will be. Also, I- I-" It takes her a few tries to get the words out, but she needs someone else to know. "I stopped fighting! And I hate myself for it! I just laid there and allowed it to happen!"

"Rose. You can't afford to think like that. You'll drive yourself mad. You didn't allow anything to happen. You survived. You're a survivor."

"And what use is that?!" She is almost yelling, but keeps her voice down enough that the Doctor and Jack shouldn't be able to hear. Now all the anger she had been keeping pent up inside her is coming out. Anger at the Master. At the Doctor. But mostly at herself. "What good is being a survivor if I have to live everyday with these terrible memories?! What good is being alive if I spend every waking moment in fear that he'll come back for me?!"

"I don't know," Gwen responds. This is not the answer Rose is expecting. "I can't pretend to have any idea what you are going through right now. What I do know is that there is a man out in the next room cares about you so much. When he was looking for you, he was so scared and worried that he might never find you. He was angry and short with everyone and straight up mean at times. I actually didn't like him very much. Jack had to explain that it was not what he is normally like. Right now, I can tell that it is killing him not to run in here and try and do everything he can to comfort you. Maybe having someone who cares for you that much is reason alone to keep going."

Rose looks out to the Doctor and catches his eye for a second before he looks away. She sees the concern in his eyes and can't help but wonder what he sees in hers. She knows Gwen is right. Rose takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "I can still feel him all over me," she admits and a shiver crawls up her spine. She looks over at Gwen, whose eyes are filled with sympathy. She hates being looked at like that, but right now the words keep coming. Her deepest fears that she has been holding inside for months come pouring out to this woman she hardly even knows. "I was terrified for the longest time because he never used any sort of protection. But I wasn't," she adds quickly, seeing a worried look pass over Gwen's face. "Pregnant that is. Even if I was at one point, there's no way it would have survived between the drugs and lack of food. And I'm not sure how I would have explained what one to the Doctor." She looks back out at him.

"You love him don't you?" She is really good at knowing what Rose is thinking.

"Yeah. I do."

"But…" She is too good at knowing what Rose is thinking.

"But what if he finds out about this and he starts to look at me differently. What if he no longer wants to touch me? What if he thinks I'm too damaged to continue traveling with him?" Rose didn't even realize she is worried about this. But apparently she is.

Gwen reaches out and hugs her. "Rose, I'm pretty sure you realize how ridiculous you sound right now. You know he won't think like that."

Yes, she does know. She knows that logic cannot be applied to her worries, but it doesn't change them. She sits back in her chair and picks up her coffee again, now much cooler to the touch, and begins drinking it, anxious for the caffeine.

"You haven't been sleeping much, have you?"

"No. And when I do sleep, it's not restful. I keep having nightmares. Except they're less like nightmares, and more like memories I am reliving. Last night it was worse than usual." She takes another long sip of her coffee.

Gwen reaches across the table and grabs a piece of paper and a pen and scribbles something down. She hands the paper to Rose and explains, "This is my cell number. If you ever need to talk, any time of day or night, just give me a call."

Rose thanks her as she slips the paper into her pocket.

"Now," Gwen starts, "I am going to give you some advice. I'm not going to insist you tell everything to the Doctor, but I am going to highly recommend it. He helped you through everything else you went through, so he can probably do the same for this too. He loves you, Rose. No matter what happened."

Rose nods. She knows Gwen is right. The Doctor always knows what to say or do to make her feel better. And while 'love' is probably too strong a word for what the Doctor feels towards her, she knows he cares about her. But she can't ignore that voice in the back of her head telling her that it would be the worst possible thing she could do.

"Do you want to talk about what happened in the pool?"

Rose shakes her head. "Not really. That was just a really stupid mistake that I thought was the only option to help me forget and to make travelling easier for him. I don't plan on doing anything like that again."

"Alright then. Unless there's something else you want to talk about, we should head back out. Now even Jack looks ready to rush in here and make sure you're okay."

Rose finishes off the rest of her coffee and the two women stand up and head back out to where the Doctor and Jack are anxiously waiting. Silent, as they had run out of topics to discuss and were too worried to think up any others. But before any of them has a chance to say anything, another man, whom Rose later learns is named Ianto and is apparently Jack's boyfriend, comes in carrying a stack of pizzas.

"I hope you're all hungry. We may have ordered a bit too much. But Jack can never decide what type of pizza he's in the mood for."

They all sit around a table and eat pizza and talk and joke and laugh. Rose didn't realize that telling someone the whole truth would make her feel so much more relaxed. She knows the Doctor can tell she feels better, because he seems more relaxed as well.

After a few more hours, Rose and the Doctor decide to leave while the streets are still empty in the middle of the night and everyone says their goodbyes.

After giving Jack a much more genuine hug, Rose turns to Gwen. "Thank you, Gwen. For listening to me explain and complain. I know you don't really know me and you didn't have to do this. But I do think it was helpful."

They hug each other. "I'm glad. Sometimes you need to talk to someone who doesn't really know you. Someone who has no expectations of you. Makes it easier. And like I said, don't ever hesitate to give me a call if you need to talk again."

Rose and the Doctor walk hand in hand back to the TARDIS. Despite all the coffee she had, she is still exhausted and immediately falls asleep. The nightmares/memories come back, but they are not as intense as they were the previous night. She can tell they are just a dream and pushes them away.

* * *

**AN: **_Another big thank you to everyone who has favorite, followed, and especially reviewed! _


	11. Chapter 11 - Lie

**Chapter 11 – Lie**

_Don't say a word  
__I'm okay with the quiet  
__The truth is gonna change everything_

_So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright  
__Lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night  
__I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart  
__So look me in the eye  
__And lie. Lie. Lie._

_- David Cook, "Lie"_

* * *

**AN: **_I'm not 100% happy with the song for this chapter, but I wanted to get it published and didn't think you guys would care too much. But if you get any ideas while reading this chapter, just let me know!_

* * *

The Doctor and Rose fall back into their ways of traversing the galaxy together, sticking mostly to the smaller planets that are not heavily occupied. But they always seem to run into trouble. Not a lot of trouble, surprisingly, but trouble nonetheless. Neither of them seem to mind. Rose seems to begin enjoying the running again and they laugh together about everything afterwards.

The Doctor never asks Rose about her conversation with Gwen. He feels as though he does not need to since the Rose that had stepped back into the TARDIS that night was much more relaxed than the one who had stepped off earlier. She is much quicker to smile at him and laugh at his bad jokes. If she ever wants him to know the whole truth, she will tell him. He hears her talking on the phone to Gwen often. Sometimes she's laughing, other times she is crying. No matter which one, the Doctor gives her her privacy.

As for Jack's determination to seek revenge on the Master, the Doctor can't say he hadn't wanted to take him up on that offer right then and there. But as he told Jack, right now he needs to focus on Rose and make sure she has actually recovered this time. He can't imagine leaving her alone or bringing her anywhere near the Master anytime soon. Plus he isn't sure where to even begin looking for him. But he promised Jack that, in time, they will find him and make him pay for what he put Rose through.

One day, the Doctor tries to bring Rose to another one of his favorite planets, right in the middle of Orion's belt. But unsurprisingly, they end up somewhere else. It's a planet he doesn't recognize, but the chill in the air is unmistakable.

Fantorrors. He's dealt with them before. Usually not too bad for him, but for Rose…

He knows if he can find their home base and take out the power crystal that summons them, they will all disappear. Maybe he can find it before they actually run into any of the creatures. He just has to either talk to some of the locals, or follow the source of the cold.

"It's freezing here!" Rose exclaims, rubbing her arms. The Doctor takes of his jacket and drapes it over her shoulders. He's not as cold as she is.

"That's because of the Fantorrors. But don't worry. They're easy to take care of. Follow me." Both her hands are hidden beneath his coat, so he places a hand on the back of her arm and leads her into the cold.

As they walk along, he notices her becoming more and more uncomfortable. She keeps rubbing her eyes and shaking her head. He knows that the presence of the Fantorrors is causing memories of her time with the Master to become prominent thoughts in her head again. He himself is doing everything he can to ignore the memories of the Time War that have been stirred up again. He knows the best thing to do would be to find the crystal and smash it.

They are getting close. The temperature is about ten degrees colder then when they first stepped off the TARDIS.

Then he sees it. A Fantorror. A long, thin, black figure that appears to float as it slowly moves. Without looking directly at them, he can see its red eyes glowing from behind a black veil. He doesn't think it has seen them yet.

Rose is currently looking down as she wraps his jacket further around herself. She must see it though because her eyes focus on where its feet should be and slowly begin moving up it. Before she can get to its red eyes, he clamps his hand over her eyes. She squeals in surprise and maybe a bit of fear as he lifts her up with his other arm and drags her into the nearest building, kicking the door shut behind them.

She pushes him off her. "Don't do that!" She throws his jacket to the ground and runs her hands through her hair. She walk to the other side of the room they had entered into, which looks a lot like a normal house back on earth, and takes a few deep breaths to calm herself.

The Doctor picks up the discarded jacket. "I'm sorry. I had to make sure you didn't look into its eyes. You may have noticed that just their presence makes you think about your worst possible memories. Think dementors in _Harry Potter_. If you look into its eyes, it sends you into a coma where you relive your worst memories over and over again. I couldn't risk that happening to you. I didn't think. I just reacted. And put this back on. It's freezing it here." He hadn't meant to be that curt with her, but his own memories and trying to fight them are causing his patience to run thin. He throws the jacket around her again. She puts it on properly this time and buttons it all the way up. She flips the collar up and curls into it as much as she can. She uses her breath to try and warm her hands.

"But why is it so freezing in here?" he questions to himself. Usually inside buildings were at least a bit warmer than outside. The only reason it should be this cold is if the crystal were in here. He starts running around the house looking for it, throwing open cabinets and drawers. Searching between the couch cushions.

"What are you looking for, Doctor?"

"The power source. It has to be in here somewhere. Only explanation for the cold. It looks like a black crystal about the size of an egg." He continues his search.

"Doctor."

He continues his search. "Hold on, Rose. If I can find this quickly we might be able to get back to the TARDIS in time to see the sunset where we were trying to go."

"Doctor!" He turns and looks at her, a mischievous, and slightly annoyed, grin on her face. "First off, time machine! Sunset is whenever we want it to be. Second off, an egg sized crystal. Like that?" She points towards the fireplace, directly across the room from the door through which they entered. On the mantle he sees the crystal, glowing a deep purple, just sitting there in plain sight.

Slightly embarrassed, he feels himself blush. "Ummm… Yes. Exactly like that actually." She laughs at him as he walks over to it. He grabs a potted flower that is on the mantle right next to it. Luckily these crystals are very fragile and easy to break. He slams the ceramic pot onto the crystal and it shatters. The room starts to warm up immediately.

"There. That's better," he says as the puts the plant back and picks up the remaining pieces of the crystal.

"Aww… you take the fun out of everything, my old friend," says a man's voice coming from behind him. A voice he recognizes. The Doctor stops dead in his tracks. Did he hear that voice right?

"Yes, Doctor. I'm back."

This time he is sure he heard it right. He spins around as fast as he possibly can with the intention of getting to Rose and doing everything he can to get her as far away from him as possible. When he turns, he realizes it is already too late for that. The Master is already standing right behind Rose. And he has a gun pointed at her head.

"What do you want?" the Doctor snarls.

"Oh, you know. Just wanted to have a little chat with some old friends. Plus, I missed my favorite pet." He sniffs Roses hair. "That's basically what you were, you know. My pet. I gave you food, water, played with you." He pushes Rose's hair behind her ear. "And how do you repay me? You run away. Didn't I tell you to stay?" Rose remains silent, froze, and closes her eyes and tries to pull away, but he grabs on to her arm tightly so she cannot.

"Get away from her!" the Doctor yells, taking a step forward.

"Nuh uh uh!" the Master says as he moves the gun so that it is poking hard into Rose's stomach and cocks it. "If you come any closer, I will pull this trigger. You know I will. You can't get here faster than I can pull the trigger."

The Doctor knows he is right and stops. Fatal stomach wounds are the most painful and take the longest to die from. Which could end up being a good or a bad thing in this scenario. He catches Rose's eye. She looks completely terrified. He tries to give her a look that tells her everything will be okay and he would get them both out of this. But he's not sure how well he does this when he's not positive he even believes it himself.

He watches her as her hands clench tightly around the sleeves of his jacket. She closes her eyes and he can see her start to shake. She begins breathing rapidly. He recognizes the symptoms from the first time they were back on Earth. She's having another panic attack. He needs to try and calm her down before it gets any worse.

"Rose." She shakes her head, still breathing rapidly. "Rose," he repeats. "Rose, look at me. Look into my eyes." She slowly opens her eyes. He can see the panic in them. He remains calm as he tell her, "It's going to be okay. We're going to make it out of here. Just breathe. You are going to be fine. "

"Now, now, Doctor. Don't go making promises you won't be able to keep."

The Doctor ignores the Master and continues looking into Rose's brown eyes. He makes the slow rise and fall of his chest obvious so she can match her breathing with his. Relatively quickly, she catches her breath and slightly nods. All her trust lays with him. Right now, once again, she is putting her life in his hands. He can feel the Master's eyes on him, watching their silent exchange, but ignores it.

The Master then returns his attention to Rose. He pulls the Doctor's jacket off of her and throws it off to the side, then looks Rose up and down. "I see you actually made it out in one piece. I must say that I am impressed, and a bit surprised. I genuinely thought he had decided to stop looking for you."

"I never would have done that!"

"Obviously," the Master says, never looking away from Rose, whose eyes are still on the Doctor. "I must say, you have healed rather well. I purposely made your ropes extremely tight at the end there. I'm impressed you can actually stand, let alone walk around. You must have had one hell of a doctor. Unless…" He looks at the Doctor and smiles. "You used your own regeneration energy to heal her, didn't you? Did you use enough to lose one of your regenerations?"

The Doctor doesn't react. He sees Rose looking at him. She didn't know that he shortened his life when he healed her. He thought she might get all angry and self-sacrificing, saying things about how important he is and how important she is not and he never should have done that. He stares intently at the Master, watching for any opportunity to get Rose away from him that doesn't involve Rose ending up seriously injured or, the option that seems even more likely, dead.

The Master must have noticed a reaction from Rose as to the consequences of him healing her. "I take it that wasn't your idea," his attention is directed back to Rose, who is now looking at the floor in front of her to avoid eye contact with the Master. "You didn't know that he shortened his life just so you, a trivial human, could walk again, did you? And I thought you two told each other everything. Apparently everything but the important stuff apparently. Makes me wonder what you didn't tell him about our time together."

The Master takes a step closer to Rose, so that his body is pressed up against hers. The Doctor can only watch as she closes her eyes and tenses every muscle in her body. The Master places his fingers against her neck. _Is he taking her pulse?_ Then another smirk crosses the Master's face, followed by a maniacal laugh that the Doctor does not like. Not at all.

"You _haven't_ told him everything, have you? And you left out the most important pieces! Have you even realized yet?!" directing his questions at both of them now. "You haven't noticed the lingering side effects?! Even months later?! Oh, this is just too good!" He laughs again. "Much better than I had anticipated. I can't wait to see how this all plays out!

"What else haven't you told him? Let me guess. Did you tell him that I often beat and tortured you? Yes. That would have been obvious from the bruising. What about how I drugged you?" He eyes the Doctor, looking for a reaction. "Seems as though he knew that one. Part of it at least. I bet I know what you left out. If he had known I'm pretty sure he would have tried to kill me already."

He walks so that he is standing directly behind Rose, gun still pressed into her side. He rests his chin on her shoulder and stares right into the Doctor's eyes. His hand slides up Rose's side, under her shirt, and across her stomach. He pulls her tightly against him. The Doctor sees a single tear run down Rose's cheek. Her eyes still clenched shut tightly.

"You didn't tell him about how much fun we had. How I got to know every inch of you." He tightens his grip on her even more as his hand snakes even higher until his hand rests over her bra. He looks at the Doctor as he not-so-gently squeezes, "I was happy to learn why he had kept you around for so long."

It takes the Doctor a second to piece together what it is he is talking about, but when he does, the anger swells in him to an unimaginable level. He's never hated anyone as much as he despises the Master in this moment. His hands curl into tight fists. At least now he knows what it was she has been keeping from him. But why had Rose felt she couldn't tell him about this? She had said something about not knowing how he would react. He was enraged. Had she told him this earlier, he probably would have taken Jack up on that offer to find and kill the Master, which would have meant leaving Rose behind somewhere or taking her with them back to her tormentor. Maybe she knew those were the most likely options and didn't like either of them. But now not only is he enraged, the subject of that rage is standing right in front of him. He can do something about it. He will do something about it. "Get. Away. From. Her!" he snarls through clenched teeth.

The Master smiles like a child on Christmas morning. "Nope. Definitely didn't know that one. I'm actually glad. Seeing your reaction just now makes up for some of what you put me through back on Gallifrey. I know how to get even more retribution though, right here and now. How about we reenact some of those fun, happy times for you to witness?" He starts to unbutton Rose's jeans. He has to use both hands to do it, so the gun is no longer pointed directly at Rose. This is just the opportunity the Doctor has been waiting for.

Faster than he has ever moved before, the Doctor launches himself at Rose and the Master, knocking them both to the ground. His move must have surprised the Master because he loosened his grip on the gun enough for the Doctor to grab it away. He points it as the Master, who has also lost his grip on Rose in the struggle, and stands between where the two of them are lying on the ground.

As the Doctor stands over the Master with the gun, he doesn't even take his eyes off him as he says, "Rose, run! Go back to the TARDIS. I'll be right there." She doesn't need telling twice. He waits until she is out the door and her footsteps dissipate.

"I'm not done with you yet, Doctor," the Master says calmly, smiling up at the man pointing the gun at his chest.

"I know."

The Doctor hates guns. He always has. But right now, he hates the Master even more. He pulls the trigger twice. Once into each heart. Then he kicks the body. Over and over again. Hard. Trying to dispel most of his rage before he heads back to the TARDIS. When he thinks he has done as much damage as he can, he picks up his jacket and walks back to the TARDIS, tossing the gun into a river along the way. He throws the clip in separately and empties the chamber beforehand to hopefully avoid any potential accidents if it is ever found.

Once that is taken care of, he takes a deep breath and runs back to Rose, desperate to take her in his arms.


	12. Chapter 12 - No Way around a River

**Chapter 12 - No Way around a River**

_You keep closing your eyes  
__Trying to ignore it  
__Hoping it will disappear  
__Face to face with your own Goliath  
__At least that's how it looks from here  
__And all the stone you throw  
__Won't scare it away_

_There's no way around a river, baby  
__Wade on in the deep  
__And when you can't go any further  
__Hold on to me  
__And if it pulls you under  
__I'll be there too  
__There's no way around a river, baby  
__It's just something you've got to go through._

_-Phil Stacey, "No Way around a River"_

* * *

Rose does as the Doctor tells her and runs. She rushes towards grassy field where they left the TARDIS without looking back. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears as she fumbles with her key trying to get it in the lock. Her mind flashes back to the last time she tried to unlock this door in a hurry and she hears something behind her. She spins around, dropping her key in the process, but no one is there.

Tears of fear well up in her eyes and blur her vision, making it difficult for her to see as she feels around the long grass, looking for the familiar shape of the key. With every second that goes by she becomes increasingly terrified that the Master will break away from the Doctor to come and find her.

Off in the distance in the direction from which she came, she hears two loud BANGS! She jumps as her heartbeat and breathing increase and she curls into herself against the ground, clawing at the dirt and grass, unsure of what is happening or what to do next. The TARDIS makes a strange, whirring noise, and she knows, she's not sure how she knows, but she knows it means she will keep her safe until the Doctor comes back.

She clambers to her feet, pushes the TARDIS door open, rushes in, and slams it shut behind her. Although her key is still outside, she knows the TARDIS won't let anyone but the Doctor through those doors.

She stumbles over to the center console and drops onto the ground leaning against it. She can still feel her heart racing. She does her best to calm her breathing and stop her eyes from watering, but it doesn't work as well as she would have liked.

"ROSE?!" calls out an alarmed voice a few minutes later.

She hears the door open and experiences a brief moment of fear, but when she turns and sees it is the Doctor, she allows herself to relax a bit.

He looks scared too, but then relaxes as well. He has her key in his hand.

"I saw your key on the ground and thought…" He walks towards her and holds it out to her.

She knows what he thought. The last and only time he had seen it not around her neck was on the TARDIS floor after the Master took her.

"Sorry. I thought I heard something and panicked. I dropped it and couldn't find it. The TARDIS let me in." She reaches her hand up and takes the key from him, not looking at his face. She slips the chain over her head and fiddles with the key as he walks around her, pressing a series of buttons, pulling levers, and turning knobs, as the TARDIS changes locations. She doesn't ask where they are going. It doesn't matter.

When the turbulence stops, he sits down next to her. Neither looks at the other.

"He'll regenerate."

She nods. She can fill in the blanks about what the Doctor did to the Master on her own. She expected nothing less after that reveal. The one she knows they are going to have to talk about.

"That's what you couldn't tell me? That he raped you?"

She wasn't looking at the Doctor as the Master was talking, but she knew the moment he had figured it out. There was a change in his voice. Pure anger like nothing she had never heard before. She'd be lying if she said it hadn't frightened her. The tension in the air had increased significantly. She hasn't looked him in the eyes since then. Even now. She stares at her feet as she hugs her knees close to her chest. She is afraid of what is going to happen next. Will he see her as damaged goods? Will he take her back to London and leave her to live out the rest of her life without him?

He puts his arm around he shoulders. At first, she jumps, startled by the touch, and he starts to pull away. But she grabs his hand before he can fully remove it and wraps it back around her, relieved that he is not afraid to touch her. She allows him to pull her so she is leaning up against him.

They sit in silence for a minute as she rests her head on his shoulder. She closes her eyes and allows the last few tears in them to fall. She hadn't heard the Master come up behind her, but she felt his presence and recognized his unmistakable scent and knew he was there. She wanted to scream out to the Doctor, but she was frozen, too petrified to move or make a sound. For the first time since then, her heart rate starts to slow back to a normal pace. She is on the TARDIS with the Doctor. She is safe. For now at least.

"Do you have any idea what he was referring to when he was talking about the 'lingering side effects' that we hadn't noticed yet?"

She just shakes her head. Not sure she could get out sounds comprehensible enough to be considered words.

He rubs his hand along her upper arm. "I know it's hard, but if there is anything else you haven't told me, anything at all, even if it seems insignificant, you should let me know now. I didn't like the tone in his voice as he was saying that. And that laugh…"

Rose shudders as she remembers that laugh. But for different reasons than the Doctor dislikes it. It took her back to when she was his captive. That was the same laugh she had heard right before he was about to do something unspeakable to her. The Doctor feels her tremble and tightens his grip on her. She turns her head into him and is able to smell him. Such a different scent from the Master's. It's a calming, pleasing, safe smell.

Then she sits up slowly and turns towards him. Still not looking at his face.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," she begins. "It's that I literally cannot. A lot of it is hazy from all the drugs. I think I've repressed some of it. And then there are the parts that I just can't bring myself to speak about. I've tried to tell you so many times, but I can never get the words out."

"What you could tell me everything, even the things you don't remember, without saying a word?"

Then she looks at him. He is looking directly at her with an expression she is unsure of how to describe. It is serious and concerned and a bit afraid.

"There is a way that I can learn about everything he put you through without you actually having to say anything," He reiterates.

"Go on…" she prompts him.

"I can create a telepathic link between us. All you would have to do is think about the first thing you remember and I will be able to trace the event through the rest of your memories and see everything. It won't be easy for you. You'll be reliving everything in a matter of minutes. Everything you saw, heard, smelled, felt. It'll be like it is happening all over again. If I thought there was any other way, any at all, I wouldn't even suggest it. I hate the idea of making you go back there. But it is the only way to make sure I know everything that happened. When he was talking, he made it sound like something is seriously wrong. We might not even notice it until it's too late. But I know how this man thinks and if I understand what he did, I can understand what he meant."

Rose closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. As much as she doesn't want to think about any of it, she knows he is right. She has also been feeling as though something is not quite right for a while now. But she can't put her finger on what it is that is off. She figured it was just some sort of psychological trauma, and that it would go away with time.

But it hasn't.

She looks the Doctor in the eye. She trusts him more than anyone else she has ever known. She knows he would not put her through this if there was any other option.

Despite how much she does not want to think about that time, let alone experience it again, she nods.

The Doctor sighs. She is not sure if it is a sigh of relief that she agreed, or a sigh of dread for what he is about to do.

He stands up and offers her his hand. "Best to do this somewhere where you feel safe and comfortable." She thinks about telling him that she feels safe wherever she is, as long as she is with him, but decides to just let him lead her to her bedroom.

He sits her down on the bed and kneels in front of her.

"Close your eyes. And place your hands on my shoulders."

She does as he requests.

She feels him place his hands on either side of her face. Lightly. A gentle touch that she just wants to lean into. But the fear of what is about to happen keeps her still.

They both take a deep breath. Simultaneously. As if they are already linked.

"Think back to the first thing you can remember after he took you."

She remembers waking up in the dark room. She remembers the headache and discovering she is tied up. She remembers the Master coming in and telling her what was going on. She remembers every word he says, as if it was happening there in front of her. She can feel the cold, hard cement beneath her. She recognizes the musty smell of the prison she spent so many months in. She can no longer hear the familiar sounds of the TARDIS. This is all too much for her. She tries to stop it, to stop the memories from coming, but someone else is in control now. All she can do is watch. And hear and taste and smell and feel. Everything comes flooding back.


	13. Chapter 13 - If No One Will Listen

**Chapter 13 - If No One Will Listen**

_Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears  
__And so you fight to keep from pouring out  
__What if you unlock the gates that keep your secret soul  
__You think there's enough you would drown?_

_If you find you fists are raw and red from beating yourself down  
__And your legs have given out under the weight  
__If you find that you've been settling for a world of gray  
__So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate_

_If no one will listen  
__When you decide to speak  
__If no one is left  
__Standing after the bombs explode  
__If no one wants to look at you  
__For what you really are  
__I will be here still._

_- Keri Noble, "If No One Will Listen"_

* * *

There is no transition period or easing herself into her temporary prison. Things are horrible right from the start.

The lights are almost constantly off. There is just enough light in the room coming from the crack under the door that after a few minutes, when her eyes adjust, she can make out the general shapes of the few things that are in her cell. Rose hasn't been afraid of the dark in years, but the constant dark not only plays tricks on her mind, but reminds her as to just how alone she is.

The Master has untied the rope from around her wrists which causes her to lose some hope. To her, it means that he is confident her hands won't help her escape. She is now bound just by a rope around one ankle, attached to the pole.

Once a day the Master comes in and turns on the lights, momentarily blinding and disorienting her. He brings her a plate of food and a glass of water. He never speaks to her. He just stands by the door and watches her eat. He never comes close enough for her to try and fight him. She thought maybe she could get her hands on his screwdriver and get herself out. But he just stands right out of reach and slides her meal towards her. The first few days Rose just immediately throws it back at him. But when the hunger begins to consume her, she can no longer resist eating, despite not wanting to touch anything that man gives her. She still tosses the empty dishes back at him. This never fazes him. She actually thinks he almost enjoys her spirit. He simply smirks at her, picks up the empty plate and glass, turns out the light, and leaves.

It doesn't take Rose long to determine for just how mentally disturbed this man actually is. Occasionally he will be having a really bad day or something and when he goes to pick up her dirty dishes, he instead launches himself at her. He grabs her wrists and ties them up again, before she can even consider trying to fight him off. Then he starts kicking her. Hard. Repeatedly.

One day it is really bad. Rose tries to back away, but she ends up cornered against a wall. He is screaming something in Gallifreyan. The only word she understands is "Doctor". After what feels like an hour, he stops, takes a few deep breaths leaning over her abused body, turns, and slams the door shut behind him. She is left lying on the floor. It is many more hours before she can move from her position on the ground. Even though she can't see, she knows she is covered in bruises. She wouldn't be surprised if a few ribs are broken as well. It is at least three days before the Master comes back.

Things continue like that. Rose loses track of the number of days she has been here. She starts to go mad. Constantly being in darkness with nothing to do is driving her crazy. She tries to occupy her mind by thinking of the times she and the Doctor were happy together, like their picnic in New New (new new new new new new new new new new new new new) York or when they visited the planet of Barcelona. It doesn't take long for these memories to be more painful than they are helpful. Will she ever have days like those again?

She is constantly hungry and thirsty and in pain. But most of all, she longs for some social interaction. The isolation really gets to her. She even tries to talk to the Master a couple of times. But he just gives her that smirk and ignores whatever she has just said to him. After a few tries, she gives up. She starts thinking about how long it's been since she has felt the touch of another person. Whether it be a brush against a random person on the street or an embrace from the Doctor after a long day. What upsets her most is that she can no longer remember what the Doctor's hand feels like in hers as they would run.

One day, the Master comes in and does something he has never done before. He speaks to Rose.

"I'm slightly disappointed." His voice is loud after so much silence. "You've been here a month. I really thought he would have found you by now." His tone makes it sound like he is not surprised at all. "Oh well. Time to for us to have a little more fun."

He gives her food and water per usual. It has been at least two days since she has eaten, so she eats it quickly. Not long after she begins eating, she starts to feel odd. Dizzy. Tired. She stops eating and looks at the Master.

"Oh. Did I forget so tell you about the special ingredient I added? You'll just be taking a quick nap now. "

Then everything goes black.

When she wakes, she is lying down on her cot. Her hands are tied to the bed over her head. Each ankle is tied to one of the posts at the foot of the bed. She does not like being restrained like this. She hates feeling helpless and out of control.

The next thing she knows, the Master has climbed onto her and straddles her waist. She tries to scream and push him off, but the way she is tied up combined with how weak she has become from having such sparse, sporadic meals makes it a hopeless cause.

He places his hand over her mouth.

"Shhh! It's time for us to have a little fun!"

He runs his hands up and down the sides of her body.

Rose closes her eyes. A tear falls down her face as he pushes his mouth against hers and snakes his hands lower. She feels him unbutton her jeans and pull them, along with her underwear, down as far as her splayed legs will allow him. It's not a lot, but it's enough. He strokes the inside of her thighs, then runs his hands over her hips, up her stomach, and under her shirt and bra as he forces his tongue past her lips and teeth.

For a minute, she is frozen. She knows what is about to happen and can't stop it. This is the moment. It has to be. This is the moment the Doctor will find and save her. They've always had a connection, she and the Doctor, hadn't they? Shouldn't he be able to sense that she is suffering and find where she is? Maybe she is wrong about her relationship to the Doctor. Maybe she is just another traveler. Maybe he doesn't even care and has moved on to someone else.

The Master's tongue sliding over her own pulls her out of her mind and back to reality. To the now. She can't lose faith in the Doctor. It's what he wants and she can't let him win. She has to believe the Doctor is still looking for her. It dawns on her that she can still fight him, but before she can act on her thoughts and bite down on his tongue, he removes it.

He lifts his head up. She immediately turns her head to the side. Eyes still shut tight. Tears still streaming.

"I can most definitely see why the Doctor keeps you around," he whispers just centimeters away from her ear. She can feel his hot breath on it. She tries to turn away even more, but it is no use with the way she was restrained. "If I knew you could be this much fun, I might have arranged to keep you to myself even longer."

She doesn't respond. She keeps her face turned and eyes shut. He grabs her face on either side and harshly turns it back towards him. "LOOK AT ME!" he screams at her, so close to her face she can feel his saliva. She keeps her eyes closed. He slaps her. Hard. "I _said_, open your eyes and LOOK AT ME!" he repeats. Slowly, she opens her eyes, looking anywhere but at him. This is not what he meant and she knows it. He squeezes his hand around her neck so she cannot breathe. "Look. Into. My. Eyes." She struggles as much as she can against her bindings. When nothing works to get her oxygen back, she has no choice but to look at him. He loosens the grip on the neck, but doesn't completely remove his hand.

He smiles. "This is a special moment for us. I want to be looking into your eyes as I watch the hope and strength drain out of them. And I want you to be looking into my eyes as that hope and strength transfer out of you and into me." He uses his other hand to unzip his own pants.

She has no choice but to look into his eyes the entire time. If she looks away for even a second, he stops what he is doing and tightens the grip around her throat again. He suffocates her until she is just about to pass out. When she is looking into his eyes again, he resumes what he had previously been doing. It doesn't take Rose long to determine that the less she looks away, the quicker the whole thing is over.

Things continue that way. Rose never knows if the food her is giving her is going to be laced with the sedative or not. Even if she remains conscious after eating, there is still the chance he will use her as a punching bag.

She eats as infrequently as she possibly can. There are many times she considers starving herself and giving up. But she still has hope. Hope that the Doctor is not far. Hope that he will save her soon. She can handle anything the Master puts her through physically as long as she believes she will be with her Doctor sometime soon. Still, she longs to go back to the days where a human touch was something she wanted, and not something she is dreading. Now it always leads to pain of one sort or another.

After another month goes by, the Master decides he is bored again.

"Now in addition to all the other fun we've been having, I am going to be spiking your food and water with a cocktail of drugs, hallucinogens to be more specific, from Gallifrey. I should probably warn you that they are really intense. You'll stop knowing what is real and what is not. It's up to you whether you want to eat and drink and hallucinate, or whether you want to starve to death."

And with that he places a plate of food and a glass of water just within her reach and leaves the room.

She tries to resist the temptation, but her hunger gets the better of her. She still has some hope, net very much, but some, that the Doctor will save her soon. So she gives in and eats.

It doesn't take long for the effects to kick in. The Master wasn't kidding when he said how intense her hallucinations would be. She drives herself even crazier thinking she hears the TARDIS or the Doctor's sonic screw driver. She even thinks she sees the Doctor himself many times. Only to be disappointed moments later when the vision fades or transforms into something else.

Her mum. Her dad. Mickey. The Doctor before he regenerated. These hallucinations are almost worse than when she sees things that scare her. At first she thinks she is going to get out of there. Then they fade away, always taking a little bit of her remaining hope and faith with them.

Cybermen. Daleks. The Master. She sees everything. It terrifies her. One day, when she thinks she is being attacked by Daleks, she claws at her own arms so hard that she draws blood.

After that, the Master decides that for her own safety, her hands should be tied behind her back again. This only lasts for so long until an intense vision causes her to feel the most fear she has ever experienced.

She is groggy to begin with. Sitting on the hard floor with her back against the pole. She sees the red converse first. Her eyes flit upwards over the pin striped suit and trench coat to his dark hair and eyes. He heart speeds up. He is finally here to rescue her! But as she looks into his eyes she can tell something is wrong. There is hatred and anger in his eyes. And it is directed at her.

"I can't believe what you've let him do to you," the Doctor spits at her. "Letting him touch you like that. Not fighting him. I thought you were better than that. But now I realize how weak you are. I can't have someone like that on my TARDIS. I only take the best. You're the worst person I've ever allowed on my ship. I'm over 900-years-old. I've been to every galaxy and time period. And you very likely the weakest creature I've ever met. I've met slime mold with more fight in it than you."

"No." Rose mumbles. "This isn't right. You can't be real. The Doctor would never say that to me."

"That's where you're wrong, Rose. I _am_ saying these things to you. And you know they're true. I'm off to find a companion who can keep up with me and won't get herself kidnapped. She'll be prettier too. I need something new to look at. I just thought it would be decent of me to tell you to stop waiting for me to rescue you because I'M NOT COMING!" Those last words come out as a snarl. "I'd put you out of your misery, but to be honest you're not even worth my time. I've spent over two years with you. Those are two years of my life I will never get back."

"No." Rose tries to protest that he is not the Doctor, but she can no longer keep her head up and it lolls backwards, smacking against the pole. During the moment of impact the not-Doctor's form fizzles away, but comes back as quickly as it left.

So she does it again. And again. And again. Each time the image stays gone for longer until all that remains is the sound of his voice. Egging her on.

"Yeah. Keep doing that. Take the coward's way out. You've always been a coward, Rose."

"SHUT UP!" she yells as loud as she can manage, which isn't very loud.

She bangs her head against the pole until she loses consciousness. This is the point where the Master decides it will be better if she remains constantly tied to the bed.

She is so weak and disoriented from all the drugs that she can barely move, let alone fight him or attempt to argue. He has to spoon feed her while she is tied down. She has no choice but to consume more of the drugs. After a little while longer the amount of drugs coursing through her veins makes it all but impossible for her to move. The Master doesn't need to tie her down anymore, but he tells her he finds it more fun that way.

Each day and each hallucination take away more hope from her that she will ever leave this room, not that she had much hope left after her intense hallucination of the Doctor. If there was a small part of her that was sane and lucid enough to realize that he was a hallucination, it would still be questioning whether there was any other explanation for why he hadn't found her yet. The Master continues to rape her, but most of the time she cannot determine if it is really him, or a hallucination. He removes all of her clothing and leaves her bound to the bed, naked, to make things easier for himself.

At the end of the third month, or maybe it is partway into the fourth month, she isn't really sure. It could actually have been much longer, the Master enters her cell for the final time.

"He really should have been here a while ago." This time, she can tell he is not just saying that to try and break her down more. He actually means it. The Doctor should have been here by now. "Maybe he stopped looking." She hates herself for it, but for the most part, she agrees with him. "Anyway, I've gotten bored. He doesn't seem to be playing the game right. So I'm leaving. I came to give you one last goodbye."

He climbs on top of her for the final time. This time, she doesn't even have the strength to cry.

When he is finished, he unties all her ropes and pushes her off the bed onto the floor. He starts beating her again and commenting on how the Doctor ruined his life by taking what he cared about most and he just wanted to repay him for the favor. But if the Doctor wasn't going to play right, he'd just have to take her life instead. He continues beating her until she loses consciousness.

When she wakes up again, she is back on the cot, completely dressed. The Master has retied her wrists and ankles to the bedposts with his sonic screwdriver. Tighter than he has ever tied them before.

He leaves a glass of drugged water with a straw next to her, that she can just reach it if she really pulls against her bindings.

"Make it last." That is the last thing the Master says before he turns out the lights for one final time and shuts the door, leaving a drugged up and broken Rose alone in the dark, confused, pained, and struggling with every breath.

* * *

There are moments during the connection where present-day Rose is vaguely aware of the real world. As all these memories come back to her, Rose is not sure she can handle it. Her hands slide down from the Doctors shoulders and cling to the front of his coat. If her mind wasn't so occupied, she might have noticed that the material doesn't feel quite right. But the only tactile feeling she is aware of in the real world is his forehead pressed up against hers. Keeping her from falling forward. A reminder that he is right there, helping her through this. He knows she is strong enough to get through. And she trusts him. So she knows she can make it through as well.

_None of this is real. _She keeps telling herself during these moments of lucidity. She can feel herself shaking and is aware of the tears rushing down her cheeks. _It's all just a memory that will be over soon. _Still, she's not sure how much more she can take.

Finally they reach the memory of the Doctor coming to rescue her and he breaks the telepathic link. She collapses into his arms, too mentally and emotionally drained to remain upright by her own volition, and he holds her against his chest. He climbs onto the bed with her and they rearrange themselves so they are both lying down, him never loosening his grip on her.

She is sobbing into his chest, convulsing with each breath she manages to take. All the memories she has been trying to repress are back, even stronger than before.

But it's going to be okay. She knows it will be. Because her Doctor is there. Telling her everything will be alright, in a calm soothing voice. Not like the voice of the Doctor from her hallucination. He has one hand holding her head against his chest and is running the nails of the other up and down her spine. And while it almost tickles, it relaxes her.

And although she never looks at his face, she knows he is crying as well. She feels the teardrops as they fall onto the back of her neck.


	14. Chapter 14 - Cry With You

**Chapter 14 - Cry With You**

_I'm not going any place  
__I just hate to see you like this  
__No, I can't make it go away  
__Oh, but keeping it inside won't fix it  
__I can't give you every answer that you need  
__But I wanna hear everything you wanna tell me_

_You're not alone  
__I'll listen 'til your tears give out  
__You're safe and sound  
__I swear that I won't let you down  
__What's hurting you I, I feel it too  
__I mean it when I say  
__When you cry, I Cry With You_

_-Hunter Hayes, "Cry With You"_

* * *

The Doctor watches Rose as she sleeps against his chest, his arms still wrapped around her. If he could have his way, he would never let her go. Never let anything bad or dangerous or that could potentially hurt her in any way near her ever again.

He knew it had been bad. He knew she had been through a lot. She had told him this much. But he didn't realize just how sugarcoated everything she had told him was. She had told him most the physical endeavors she was put through, with the obvious, huge exception, but he didn't realize just what she had gone through psychologically. The telepathic link had allowed him to not only experience everything she experienced, but feel everything she felt emotionally and think everything she thought as well.

The loneliness from the months of isolation and constant darkness. The dread and uncertainty as to what was going to happen next. He himself had to suppress a shudder just thinking about it. He felt how much faith she had in him at the beginning and he felt as it slowly diminished and changed to fear that he no longer wanted her.

The Master had forced her to look at him whenever he forced himself on her. He wanted her to be present while all her mental defenses just wanted to retreat inside her and hide. He knew what to do to break a person. And he used all that knowledge on Rose.

At the end, not long before he broke the link, he felt her acceptance with her impending death. She knew it would be an escape from the memories of everything she had been through and from the hallucinations constantly plaguing her mind. He had kept the link going a little longer than necessary. When the Master left her to die, he knew there was nothing more that the monster had done to her. He knew that after that point, there was nothing else he strictly needed to know to figure out what was still wrong with her. He got greedy and curious as to what her thoughts had been when he finally rescued her. He wanted to know that a small part of her might have been relieved to see him. That she hadn't been completely angry with him.

She had heard the TARDIS when he finally found her, but didn't think anything of it, dismissing it as her mind playing tricks on her. Even when he walked through the door, oddly enough in his old form, she didn't believe it. It wasn't until after he had freed her hands and was holding her that the ounce of hope she had left in him had made its way to the surface and allowed her to believe it was him. He saw himself begin to peel away her ankle bindings and felt the immense pain she had felt. He felt like her guttural screams were scratching at his own throat. On top of that, the guilt he felt back then came back and intensified in his stomach in the present.

When the blackness, with intense white spots brought on by the pain of the removal of the bindings, that had overcome Rose's vision had faded, time had passed and his past self was sitting behind her, holding her, too afraid to move her. He remembers saying something to her during that time, but Rose apparently never heard it. She was, however, thinking about him. Wondering why. Just why. Why it had taken him so long, and why he came when she was so close to her own escape. Why she would now have to live with all these memories.

She had never told him that the Master's goal was to cause her to lose faith in him. And she definitely had never told him he had succeeded.

He remembers that Earth saying. _Curiosity killed the cat._

That was when he broke the telepathic connection. He was not sure what he was looking for in her mind, but that wasn't it. He could have gone on without ever knowing she would have chosen death over his rescue of her.

As hard as it was for him to fully know everything, it was almost harder to see the way she had reacted in the present to being back inside these memories. He could feel her trying to pull away almost as soon as they started. He knew she just wanted to forget. But he couldn't risk it. He had to know exactly what had happened. As cryptic as the Master was being, he understood that there was something going on the both he and Rose were missing. So as much as Rose wanted to pull away, he couldn't let her. In order to keep the connection he had to concentrate and couldn't speak to her to comfort her, so he pressed his forehead against hers to remind her that he was right there with her, increasing the pressure and rocking it from one side to the other whenever he heard her cry out.

When that hallucination of him had appeared, telling her he no longer wanted her travelling with him and how weak she was, he felt her tense up in the present and start to shake. Her hands gripped onto his jacket so tightly. Like she was afraid he would leave her if she wasn't holding him there. Her grip hadn't relaxed since that moment. He'd have to remember to ensure her that he would never _ever_ think any of those things that had been said and he would never _ever _leave her. He wanted to be angry or upset with her that she could have believed it was real, but he couldn't blame her. Hallucination-Doctor even terrified and convinced him. He hates himself for whatever he had done, or hadn't done, that would allow her mind to create such a version of him.

The way she collapsed into him once it was over had been too much for him. She is one of the, if not the, strongest women he has ever known. They have been through so much together: living plastic, gasmask children, daleks, regenerations, cybermen, alternate universes. She is his Bad Wolf. To see her so completely broken…

He told himself that he was going to stay strong. For Rose. She would need him to help her through the memories. But when she was crying beyond control, buried in his arms, he could no longer contain himself and couldn't stop his own tears from falling as well. Wiping them away would have meant taking a hand off of Rose, which he isn't planning to do any time soon. So he let them fall.

This is his fault. He was supposed to protect her. He should have stuck with her, instead of suggesting they run in opposite directions, thinking that the Master would choose to pursue him. He should have found her sooner. Or ignored the rules and dangers involved with crossing his own time stream and just gone back to earlier in her captivity in order to save her from most of what she had suffered.

He tries to mold all these regrets into an apology and pour out the words he can't say through this embrace he refuses to loosen. He knows he can never do enough to heal her completely because she was right with the thoughts she was having when he was holding her in her memory. She will always have these memories. She will never be able to forget what that bastard did to her. Sometimes it will affect her life in major ways. Something she sees or hears or something someone else says or does will reopen old wounds. She won't want it to and will try to ignore it, but everything that happened is a part of her now. He can't allow her to ignore it or try to fight away the memories. Even a reopened wound needs to be dealt with before it can properly heal. He knows there are times where he might not be able to help her much, but he hopes that maybe he can slightly ease her pain and get her moving in the right direction.

After what seemed like hours of crying, Rose had finally fallen asleep and her death grip on his tweed had loosened. Good. Her mind needs the break. His, however, is racing. He goes back through everything he has learned, doing his best to only focus on the actual events and not Rose's thoughts and reactions, trying to figure out what the Master might have been referring to, mindlessly stroking Rose's hair as she sleeps against his chest.

The more he thinks, the more he wonders if the Master is sending him on another wild goose chase. Maybe nothing is wrong and he just wants to worry them. Maybe -

That's when it hits him. One word. Said once. A word he had heard so many times it barely registered. But when paired with the other words in the same sentence… And in a human… But if it was going to be a lingering problem, there should have been signs. Or were there? There were. There are.

But before he has a chance to ponder on it further, Rose starts stirring. Then the stirring turns into screaming and full on thrashing.

* * *

**AN: **_Kind of a short chapter and I'm sorry about that. This and the next chapter were originally going to be just one, but then it got too long so I decided to break it up. Good news: That means the next chapter is almost ready and is just going through its last stages of editing (and I need another song). Bad news? I'm still traveling and am leaving in the morning to a place that I doubt has WiFi for about two nights. Other good news? I will be doing a lot of music listening so should be able to find a song. I should probably start working on the next next chapter too. I have a feeling you are going to want it quickly after the next one ends. *evil grin*_


	15. Chapter 15 - Hope for the Hopeless

**Chapter 15 – Hope for the Hopeless**

_Cold, in the summer breeze  
__Yeah you're shivering  
__On your bended knee  
__Still, when your heart is sore  
__And your heavens pour  
__Like a willow bending in the storm  
__You'll make it_

_Running against the wind  
__Playing the cards you get  
__Something is bound to give_

_There's hope for the hopeless_

_- A Fine Frenzy, "Hope for the Hopeless"_

* * *

Rose wakes up screaming. She tries to sit up only to realize something is holding her down. Is she being held captive again? She continues screaming and begins throwing her arms around, trying to do everything and anything she can to break free of whatever is confining her. She won't be a victim any longer.

She feels one of her arms collide with something soft as the other whacks against something hard. It's begins to throb, but she ignores the pain and continues to struggle. Someone grabs her wrists and holds them tightly against her chest. Something wraps around her back. Constricting her. She screams louder.

Then she hears the Doctor's voice. It is only a whisper, but it manages to break through her cries.

"Shhh… It's okay, Rose. It was only a nightmare. You're okay. You're safe. I promise. You need to calm down or you're going to hurt yourself."

She takes a deep breath and starts to relax. _That's right. The telepathic connection. I'm on the TARDIS. I'm with the Doctor. I am safe. _The restrictive feeling of his arms becomes a comforting embrace. She leans into him and allows the sound of his beating hearts to calm her fully.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I should have known that was going to happen." He reaches for her arm and begins messaging where she had whacked it against what she now realizes was the headboard of her bed. She may have a bruise tomorrow, but nothing big. "Going into your mind like that opened it up. The flood of memories is an invitation for terrible, terrible nightmares. I should have warned you."

Rose doesn't respond. She doesn't really mind. She knows it was just a nightmare now. Her mind trying to deal with everything she has been through. Despite the terror from it she still feels, she knows it is over. A piece of her also thinks the fright was worth it just to be in this moment with him. Curled up in bed, in his arms, against his warm chest. It reminds her of the dreams she used to have before everything. When it was just the two of them in the TARDIS travelling anywhere and everywhere and she'd let her mind wander to all the different things that could happen on a dark TARDIS late at night.

She is relieved that she no longer has to hide anything from him, even though she is afraid of what the Doctor thinks of her now and what he is going to do with her next. She wasn't sure how much longer they would have lasted with all those secrets between them. She is glad to be out of that liminal period, between knowing where she stands as the Doctor's companion and whatever will happen next. At least now she won't have to wait much longer to see if he is going to allow her to continue travelling with him or not.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" the Doctor asks her.

She sighs. She knew the moment couldn't last forever. She couldn't spend the rest of her life lying in bed wrapped in his embrace. Well, she could, but not realistically. Besides, after everything he has done for her, taking care of her, doing everything to help her, not leaving her (yet), she owes him this. Complete openness and honesty.

She sits up next to him so that one of his arms remains draped around her waist and his hand rests upon her hip. Her side pressed against his. She plays with his other hand on her lap, weaving her fingers in and out of his. Trying to memorize the feel of every inch of it, just in case she won't get to later. She recalls her dream.

"It was about the Master," she begins, although they both know there is no other topic it could have possibly involved. "It was right after you told me to run back to the TARDIS. Before I got there, I met back up with you. You said we had lost him, and we got in the TARDIS and flew off. We landed on this strange little deserted planet. As soon as we stepped foot out of the TARDIS, she dematerialized. I turned to you for an explanation, only to see that you were no longer you, but him. So I did what you told me to do, and I ran. I ran all day until I found a cave. I sat there and hid until I fell asleep. The next thing I knew I woke up to him sitting on top of me with his hand over my mouth, telling me that he was disappointed and expected more from me after being your companion for so long. He held my wrists over my head and was holding them so tight. I knew what he was about to do. So I tried screaming and kicking him off me. He told me that we were the only life on this planet and told me to scream all I wanted. That he would like it more that way. And… Umm… That's when I woke up."

She lies at the end. The dream continued. Changed.

The arm around her waist tightens. He forces her to stop playing with his fingers by entwining her hand with his. She leans further into him and rests her head against his shoulder. He turns and places his lips on the top of her head.

"Don't worry," he tells her. "I'm right here. I'm me."

Guilt pangs in her abdomen. She's not really sure why she lied to him. Maybe she's embarrassed that the next part of her nightmare scared her so much. Maybe she doesn't want to give him any ideas. She knows both are ridiculous excuses. They need honesty between them if she expects to have any chance at all of staying with him. He already knows everything else. She might as well tell him this too. It's not like it will change his opinion of her any more.

"I lied," she says as she sits up and moves away from him. His hand that had been around her waist drags across her back and the side of her leg as she curls both legs into her chest and wraps her arms around her knees. His hand rests upon her foot as he sits up to lean closer to her. "That wasn't the end of the dream. It shifted into another one. One in the near future, just after the telepathic link. We had just landed back in London and I stepped out of the TARDIS, but you didn't. You just stood in the doorway and told me you were leaving me here. That I am too damaged and am going to be too much of a liability to travel with you anymore. You kept asking me how you are supposed to save planets if you have to be constantly worried about whether or not I am going to have a mental breakdown. And then you took off, leaving me behind, screaming at where you had just been. Begging you not to leave and saying I'd be fine." She gives a small hiccup, trying her hardest not to start crying. "This is why I could never tell you everything. I'm afraid that you're going to want to get rid of me now."

Her voice cracks. For some reason, saying it to him out loud is worse than living through it in her dream. She can feel herself shaking. She doesn't look at the Doctor. A part of her is still afraid that her dream is about to come true. She is reminded of the Doctor in her hallucination. She had vaguely remembered having a vision of him during that time, but it wasn't until the link that she remembered exactly what he had said to her. She must have repressed that memory because it was too much for her to handle. She thinks about what she had to do to get him to stop saying those things in her hallucination and wonders if her actions had aided her forgetfulness. She wonders if she if the same methods can get that memory back out of her head now. She is sitting against a wall, so she starts rocking back and forth, lightly hitting the back of her head against the wall every time she rocks backwards.

The Doctor starts moving. Her first instinct is that he has decided that would be the best idea and is getting ready to head back to London. She goes to increase the speed of her rocking, but instead of heading to the console room, the Doctor turns towards her and places both hands on the sides of her head. Thumbs on her cheekbones, fingers behind her ears and around the back of her neck, steadying her. He leans forward and places a long kiss on her forehead. He then pulls her into him, swinging her legs over his lap. He holds her tight, as her fear of him wanting to get rid of her causes her to continue shaking.

"I will never leave you, Rose Tyler. That much I can promise you. Not unless you beg me too, and even that will take a lot of convincing."

She throws her arms around his neck and holds on tightly, afraid he still might leave her. She hides her face in his neck. She feels like a small child but can't stop herself. The words "I don't have anyone else" quietly slip out from between her lips. And they are true. Everyone else she knows and loves is in a parallel universe. She's not sure what she would do if he decided to leave her somewhere. She guesses she could go find Jack, but he works in a similar field as the Doctor. They are bound to run into each other every now and then and she's not sure she could handle that.

"Hey, hey, hey!" the Doctor says, stroking her hair. "I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not going to let you go anywhere either. Okay?"

She nods. He sounds sincere. "It just felt so real." She's unsure if she's talking about the dream, the hallucination, or both.

"It wasn't. It isn't. I would never say those or do that to you. None of it is true." He whispers in her ear and presses his cheek against her head.

They stay like that for about a minute. One of his hands combing through her hair, the other rubbing her back. Soothing her as she tries to wipe the look on the faces of the dream-Doctor and the hallucination-Doctor, from her mind. She sits up and looks in his eyes, noting that the expression in them is nothing like what either of those Doctors had, and she relaxes. She straightens his tie, which she assumes she had knocked crooked at some point since waking up. She looks at him as he lightly grips her wrists and brings them in front of his face. He is studying her hands, as though confused as to what she is doing, and presses two fingers against her pulse. Then he looks in her eyes. She can't mistake the worried look she sees in his.

"I think I figured out what the Master was referring to. Do you remember the first time he drugged you and told you that thehallucinogens were from Gallifrey?"

"Y… Yes… Is that bad?" She already knows the answer.

"It's certainly not good. Those drugs were meant for Time Lords. We have a different biology than humans. Two hearts. Neurological differences. I'm not sure how they affect humans. As far as I know, it has never been tested before. Deemed too dangerous. I'm not sure what specific drugs he used, but your body might not be able to sufficiently break them down. There may still be traces, or even worse high concentrations, of them still in your bloodstream. There are some tests I can run to get more information and then we can figure out solutions from there."

This is just too much information for her to fully comprehend, but the tone in his voice lets her know just how urgent it is.

She lets the Doctor lead her to the Medical Lab. _Did the TARDIS always have a Medical Lab? _She's learned to stop really questioning the TARDIS. This place was always bigger than she remembered and she is pretty sure it changes to suit what the Doctor needs.

She sits in a chair while he rummages around through the drawers to find whatever it is he is looking for, one hand constantly resting casually on her shoulder. When he has what he needs, he sits in a chair facing Rose. Their legs resting right up against each other. It is like he is afraid that if he stops touching her, she'd disappear. She certainly isn't going to complain about it. It is still reassuring, especially after just reliving everything again, to know that he is actually there and not a figment of her imagination.

"I need to take a blood sample," he says, holding an empty syringe. Rose has never been afraid of needles, so she holds out her arm and allows the Doctor to do what he needs to. She watches the red liquid fill the vial and wonders what is in there that shouldn't be.

The Doctor pulls the needle out and holds a piece of gauze against the skin where it had been inserted. With his other hand he injects the contents of the syringe into a strange looking machine. He presses a few buttons and it begins to beep and whir. He replaces the gauze with a Band-Aid.

He grabs Rose's hand and looks into her eyes. She knows he can see the fear there. But he just smiles and says, "No matter what the results, we'll figure this out. Together." His grip on her hand tightens. She mimics the motion.

Just then the machine beeps three times, and a printer goes into action. The Doctor gives her hand one last squeeze before he lets go and gets up to go look at the results. This is the first time she can remember that they aren't in direct physical contact since the telepathic link. For some reason, this scares her more than the look on his face as he checks the results. And that scares her a lot.

She stands up and walks behind him. "What is it?" she asks, trying unsuccessfully to hide the shaking in her voice.

"Let's go sit in the den and I'll go over the results with you." He doesn't even look at her as he says this. Just stares at the printed sheets of paper, sets his hand on the small of her back, and leads her into the next room.

They sit on the couch and the Doctor sets the results on the coffee table. He still hasn't looked at her. She glances at the papers, knowing before she does that she won't be able to make sense of any of it.

"Doctor, you're scaring me. Please tell me what is going on. Am I going to be okay?" She's fighting back tears. He wouldn't be acting like this if everything was going to be fine.

He finally looks at her as he grabs her hand in both of his and scoots closer to her. He points at some graphs on the results page.

"There are at least 7 different Gallifreyan drugs still in your system. Five of them are there in high concentrations. Too high. Human bodies don't make the enzymes necessary to break down these drugs with any efficiency. Or really at all for that matter. The good news is that now that I know exactly which drugs they are, I should be able to make an antidote. The bad news is that this combination is extremely deadly. These five drugs are never combined without serious consequences, even in Time Lords. But like I was saying earlier, I don't know exactly how the effects will differ with your human biology."

Rose tries to take in everything he just told her. She is still scared, but there is hope in his voice. They might not exactly know what is happening to her, but they should be able to figure it out and solve each problem as they come across it. So why does he still look so concerned?

"There's more, isn't there?" Rose enquires.

The Doctor wraps his arms around her in a tight embrace. Just this side of what one might consider to be too tight. She wraps her arms around him and rests her chin on his shoulder. But this embrace does not comfort her like they normally do. He is tense in her arms, so she is tense in his. He squeezes her even tighter as he begins to explain.

"At these concentrations, we should still be seeing their effects. You should still be hallucinating almost constantly."

"But I'm not. I haven't seen anything that seems wrong in a while." Even she can hear the doubt in her voice as she remembers the small things here and there that seem off. Particularly around the Doctor. Be it the sound of his voice or the feel of his jacket. But those only lasted a few brief moments. Then everything had gone back to normal. Nothing like this "constant" effects he is talking about.

"Rose," the Doctor starts, not loosening his grip on her. "What do I look like to you?"

_What kind of question is that? _ "I'm not sure what you mean?"

"What do I look like? Describe my physical appearance."

"You look like you have always looked. Well, not always. You look like you did after regenerating on the game station. Suit, tie, converse, and all." The question still confuses her. What is the point of this?

"Oh Rose," he sighs, holding her even tighter, which until this moment she didn't think was possible. "My dear, dear Rose. I am so sorry. I should have noticed sooner. I didn't realize you weren't seeing… While you were being held captive, I regenerated again."

* * *

**AN:** _PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!_


	16. Chapter 16 - You Don't Know Her Like I D

**AN: **_I just wanted to start by saying that you guys are all awesome. Thank you for not hating me or anything after that last chapter. You've all been great and supportive! Also, I had a really hard time choosing between the Josh Gracin version of this song, and the Brantley Gilbert version for the title of this chapter. Both are amazing. _

* * *

**Chapter 15 – You Don't Know Her Like I Do**

_You say there's no need to be worried  
__You bet it's just a bump in the road  
__You think if you really love somebody  
__The best thing to do is just let her go  
__Truth is I think you sound a little crazy  
__Until you've been in my shoes  
__You don't have a clue_

_You don't know her like I do  
__Don't have these eyes I'm looking through  
__If you had half of what she gave  
__You would never let her walk away  
__And every time she took your breath  
__It would scare you half to death  
__Cause you'd have everything to lose  
__You don't know her like I do._

_- Josh Gracin, "You Don't Know Her Like I Do"_

* * *

Rose pulls out of the tight embrace. She looks at the man sitting in front of her. Green eyes. Shaggy brown hair. Prominent chin. Ridiculous outfit.

She stands up and slowly backs away towards the door, too shocked and confused to process what she is seeing. She stares into the sad eyes staring back at her until she passes through the door frame, at which point she turns and bolts towards her room.

* * *

He really should have noticed something was this off. She never made any comments about his new appearance. He figured that with everything she had been through, she already had too much on her mind and just accepted that it had happen. It's not like she hadn't seen him regenerate before.

He had thought about asking her multiple times what she thought about his new look. He was especially curious about her opinion on the bowtie. But every time he thought about bringing it up, he decided that she had already been through too much and didn't want to come across as shallow or unsupportive. So he just let it slide.

It wasn't until recently that he started seeing the signs that something was off. She would look at him and do a double take. Or seem slightly confused when he said something, as if she couldn't tell that it was him who was saying it. Now he understood. As the drugs that her body could break down wore off, the hallucinations became weaker. The five drugs still in her system combined with her need for normalcy and a piece of her life before everything that happened were enough to sustain the image of his former incarnation. These moments of confusion were reality bleeding through.

He considered his suspicions confirmed when she straightened his tie earlier that night. She straightened nothing. He knew what she was doing. She had done it many times before. But just then, she was only straightening air.

He wasn't sure how she was going to react to this knowledge. Since he let her know that her delusion was just that, it should be enough to break it and she'd see the real him. Maybe there was a better way to let her know this information, but he figured the "rip off the Band-Aid" approach was best. Better to let her know as soon as he did, rather than try and hide it from her.

It was all too soon that she broke away from his embrace. As soon as he looked at her, he knew his prediction was correct. She was seeing his current form for the first time.

And she was terrified. She couldn't stop staring at him. She backed away from him, looking scared, confused, hurt, and angry. She certainly had a right to feel all these things. He didn't know why he might have expected anything other response. She continued staring at him as she backed out of the room. As soon as she passed through the door, she turned and ran.

He considered running after her. He wants to hold her and help her through this as he has with everything else these past couple months. Instead he just sits where he is and buries his face in his hands.

He _should _have noticed sooner! How could he have been so _stupid_?!

He wonders what will happen next. He had promised that he would never leave her unless she asked him to. Would she ask now? Would she blame him for not realising? The anger and fear he had seen in her eyes suggested that the answer to both questions would probably be yes.

He gets up and walks slowly back to his own room. On the complete opposite side of the TARDIS from where Rose is. He walks over to his desk, where there are pictures of him and Rose, souvenirs from some of the planets they visited together, and everything he used in his process of tracking her down. He hasn't been in this room long enough since he found her to put any of it away.

He thinks about going through it again to see if there was anything he missed. If he could have found her faster. He is hoping not to find anything. Then he would know he had done everything he possibly could have; that he could not have done anything else to save her sooner; that everything that had happened was inevitable.

But he can't look through everything because while he might feel better if he found nothing, it would be a bigger burden finding something that proves he could have gotten to her sooner than it is not knowing. Instead, he first grabs a fistful of papers and notes and shakes them with his eyes clenched tightly until they rip. He throws the ripped papers on the floor and he grips the desk with both hands and flips it over. Papers flies everywhere. Frames crack. Souvenirs brake. But he doesn't care. They are all replaceable.

He collapses onto the floor, grabs the nearest pillow, and screams in frustration into it, hoping beyond anything else that Rose cannot hear him.

* * *

Rose runs as quickly as she can into her room. She shuts the door and quickly locks it behind her. She leans against it as she slowly slides down to the ground. She is shaking uncontrollably as she tries to work out everything she is feeling.

Confusion: How could he not have noticed? How could she not have noticed?

Fear: Who is this new man? She has apparently been with him for the past few months. Why is she afraid of him? Why did all her trust in him disappear as soon as she saw his true face?

Anger: In him. In herself. In the Master. In everything that lead to this moment.

And yet, there was a bit of relief in there too. At least now she can explain everything she has been experiencing. As horrible as the reasons are, it is comforting to have a reason for everything.

But at the same time, she can't help but notice the similarities to the first half of her latest nightmare. She thought the Doctor looked like one person, when in reality he was someone completely different. He might not be the Master, like he had become in her dream, but how could she be sure?

She sits there for what fells like hours, trying to figure out what she should do next. At first she allows herself to cry. After a while, no more tears come. At one point she thinks she heard the sound of something crashing, but she decides not to think about it. She has too much on her mind already.

This really did explain so much though. Why his voice would sound off. When his eye looked green instead of brown, she now realized those were his new eyes. The man who pulled her out of the pool was this man.

When she calms herself down enough, she makes her way over to the bed and lays down. She thinks back to the previous night and how he held her through the nightmares and stayed with her even after learning everything she went through. How he made her feel safe and promised her he would never leave her. That was something her Doctor would do.

But is he still her Doctor?

As she rests her head against the pillow, she can smells a pleasant muck right where the Doctor had been lying last night. She realizes that he still smells the same as he did before. She tries to think back to the first time he regenerated. When she was there to watch the process. She remembers having this same fear. Wondering if he was still the Doctor she knew and cared about. But it didn't take him long to do something to prove to her that he was still her Doctor. It just took a cup of tea.

This Doctor has, apparently, been showing her that he was still the same man since he saved her from her prison. He still cares for her. Puts her first. Does whatever he could to protect her. Is that not enough to convince her?

It is.

She gets up, leaves her room, and goes in search of her new (new new) Doctor.


	17. Chapter 17 - Incomplete Lullaby

**Chapter 17 - Incomplete Lullaby**

_When you stopped and held me close  
__Inside I nearly froze  
__Your touch is almost healing  
__You left me feeling_

_Tired  
__Could not close my eyes  
__On fire  
__But frozen inside  
__To run or to hide?  
__Speechless  
__My words would not melt  
__Whispered  
__I wanted to shout  
__Without you I felt_

_Like a setting sun  
__Like a lost goodbye  
__Like an Incomplete Lullaby_

_- Lisa Mitchell, "Incomplete Lullaby"_

* * *

The Doctor had just finished picking everything back up when he hears a soft knock on the door. His hearts leap.

He walks over to the door and slowly opens it, afraid if he seems too eager he will scare her away again.

He steps back to allow her to enter. She steps just inside the door.

"What happened?" she asks him.

"A trap set by the Master. It was pretty stupid looking back now. I really should have seen it coming. He made it seem like he had you in a motel room on the planet Krypton, yes it's a real planet. We can go there if you'd like. I should have realized something was off. When I opened the door I was sprayed with a mist. Some sort of poison. Never bothered to find out what it actually was. I think it was meant to kill me but as soon as I opened the door I knew something was off and quickly got out of there. I wasn't sprayed with enough to completely kill me but had to regenerate."

He would have gone on, but then he realized how much he was talking. His new tongue has a habit of not stopping when it should. This problem increases when he was nervous. He looks at Rose. To his surprise she is almost smiling.

They stand there in silence for a moment as she looks him up and down. She takes a step forward. He stands completely still. She straightens his bowtie.

"Really? You wear a bowtie now?" she asks him mockingly.

"Bowties are cool," he responds, although not in the defensive way he will become known for saying that line. It is more tentative. As he is afraid that she is still in the process of accepting him.

He stands completely still as she runs her hands through his long hair and over this face, memorizing his new look.

She definitely smiles as she plays with his hair. "But you're still not ginger."

"Tell me about it! How hard is it to become a ginger? I'll tell you Rose next time-" He's doing it again. Talking too much. But she's still there. Mere inches from him.

Then she does something he isn't expecting. She wraps he arms around him, buries her face in his chest, and takes a deep breath. He is still too nervous to move.

When Rose finally picks her head up she says, "You still smell the same. I was overwhelmed and confused before. You're my Doctor. I know you're my Doctor." She pulls away just far enough so she can look into his eyes. And he looks into to hers.

Then it is his turn to do something neither he nor she is expecting. Caught up in the moment, he leans forward and presses his lips against hers. Lightly. Gently. He is afraid she will pull away. But she doesn't. Rather the opposite actually. She slides her hands up his body and cradles the back of his neck, pulling him even closer. He snakes his arms tightly around her waist. The pressure between their lips increases.

That is when he notices tears are streaming down his face. This is the Rose he knows. The strong woman able to handle anything and everything thrown at her. And after all this time, after everything that she has been through in the past several months, she is somehow still able to care for him. She still trusts him and feels safe with him.

Rose breaks away from the kiss to take a breath with her eyes closed and a small smile on her face. When she opens her eyes and sees the tears in his eyes, her smile fades and she asks, "What's wrong."

"Me," the Doctor replies. "I'm what's wrong. I don't deserve you like this. I let you down so many times recently. I couldn't protect you enough to keep the Master from hurting you. I didn't find you soon enough to keep you from all the terror you went through. I really should have noticed that you'd been hallucinating for months."

He would have gone on, but Rose silences him by pressing her lips against his again. Only briefly.

When she pulls away she tells him, "You need to stop blaming yourself for all that. How many times do I ever actually listen to you when you tell me to do something? I ran in the opposite direction of you because _I_ wanted to. I thought it might confuse the Master for long enough that we could both make it back to the TARDIS safely. And you know him well enough to know that he never would have let you find me before you did. You saved me soon enough that I am still alive. And if anyone should have noticed I was hallucinating, it should have been me. Now that I know the truth, I remember seeing all the signs and it seems so obvious. And you," she steps closer to him so that her body is pressed right up against his, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You have done so much for me. You have been with me through everything. You've calmed every fear. Soothed every nightmare. You're the reason I feel safe at night."

He knows everything she is saying is true. It will take a while for him to fully believe it, but he knows she will help him. Even if she doesn't know she is doing it.

He kisses her again. More passionately than he had before. When he lifts her off the ground, she squeaks slightly in surprise, and then wraps her legs around his waist. He spins her around and lays her on his bed.

* * *

Nothing really happens. Well, nothing besides the most intense snogging session either of them has ever experienced. And although neither of them will admit it to the other just yet, they have both been waiting for it for a long time.

But Rose isn't ready to do anything more than that. She still has the occasional flashbacks to the Master on top of her.

The Doctor follows her lead and doesn't try to push anything she doesn't initiate. Now that he knows everything, he knows to be gentle with her. To go slow. It's the only way for her to know she can fully trust him, and eventually he is sure she will be ready to be with him in every way.

After what feels like eternity and yet not long enough, Rose pulls away from him and lies against his chest. They lie there and cuddle and talk about nothing and everything for the rest of the night. Sometimes they just lie there in silence, just enjoying being this close to one another, both physically and emotionally.

After a while, Rose falls asleep. And for the first time in a longer time than either of them can remember, she sleeps without nightmares. Instead, she dreams of the Doctor and everything they will do together.

* * *

When Rose wakes up, her head is still resting against the Doctor's chest. She listens to his hearts. They're beating slowly. She glances up and sees that he is still sleeping. She quietly slips out of his bed and heads towards the bathroom.

She looks at herself in the mirror and really takes in what she sees for the first time in months. She has gained back most of the weight she had lost. She looks healthy again. Her hair is starting to get back to the length it was before she was abducted. But the most noticeable difference is the smile that will not leave her face.

The Doctor walks up behind her and she smiles at his reflection in the mirror. He wraps his arms around her waist. She leans back into him and places her arms on top of his. She's not exactly used to his new appearance yet, but she's getting there.

"You look good," he tells her as though he knows what she is thinking. "Happy. Healthy. I would even go so far as to say that you look beautiful, Rose Tyler."

She spins around, wraps her arm around his neck, and kisses him, lifting up onto her toes a bit to reach his lips.

"All thanks to you." She smiles at him and he smiles back.

He places his hand on the side of her face and strokes her cheek with his thumb. She places her hand on top of his and leans into his touch. He looks deep into her eyes.

"I remember the day I found you. I looked into your eyes and you weren't there. There was a stranger behind those eyes. A scared, broken little girl. I wasn't sure there was any of you left in there. I didn't know if I'd ever get you back. But here you are, Rose Tyler. The strong woman I met all those years ago working in a shop. But there's so much more now. You're more confident. Wiser. And stronger than anyone could have ever imagined. Even after everything. You've survived what most others couldn't have."

He tucks her hair behind her ear. She smiles at him.

"Now, what do you say we get the rest of those drugs out of your system before you start seeing pink elephants flying around the TARDIS?"

She laughs. She had actually almost forgotten about the Gallifreyan drugs still in her system after last night. They walk hand-in-hand all the way to the medical lab, their shoulders constantly bumping into each other the entire way. She watches as he intently mixes a bunch of chemicals together. When he is finished, he turns to her and she gives him her arm to inject it into.

"If you really want to see flying elephants, I can take you to a planet where there are some. Mind you, they're not pink, they're green. But green flying elephants will have to do." He finishes plunging the syringe. "There. We'll have to do this every day for the next week, and then we'll run another blood test and go from there."

* * *

The Doctor sits on his favorite couch in the library, reading a book he hasn't read before. Rose sits next to him, leaning her back against his side. She's close to the end of the fantasy novel she is reading, the last in a series. A few minutes later she closes the book and puts it back on the shelf. She slowly walks around the shelves glancing at all the titles, trying to decide what to read next. The Doctor gets distracted and just watches her as she peruses the aisles, pulling out a few books here and there to read the descriptions, but not committing to anything.

"Need a recommendation?" he asks her.

"What is your favorite book in this entire library?"

He smiles, closes his book, and walks over to her. He grabs her hand and leads her up a flight of stairs and past many different rooms to a shelf in the very back. Most of the books in this part are dusty. He walks right over to one particular shelf, pulls out a book, and hands it to her.

She turns it over in her hands. It isn't a huge book, just a couple hundred pages. It looks old. The cover is gold with sapphire symbols inlaid on it. It's in Gallifreyan.

"What's is about?"

"It's about a Timelord who falls in love with a human."

She smiles and eyes him suspiciously.

"I'm serious!" he tells her. "But it's not the plotline that I love so much. Although I haven't read it since I met you, so the story's probably more relatable than it was before. But what I really love is how accurately it describes and portrays life on Gallifrey. If I ever miss my home, I just pick up this book and it's like I am there again. Do you want me to read it to you?" he asks Rose eagerly.

She shakes her head 'no' and places the book back in his hands, but doesn't let go.

Looking slightly disappointed, he say, "Oh, okay," and starts to turn to put it back on the shelf, but stops when she realizes she won't let go. He looks at her, puzzled.

"I want you to teach me to read it." She smiles.

He smiles back, excited to share this huge part of his life with her. Unable to resist, he leans down and kisses her.

"You know, it takes a while to learn a language well enough to read a book like this."

"Especially if we keep getting distracted." She smiles at him and bites her tongue. It's the first time he has seen her do this since before. He lifts her up as she says, "Well then it's a good thing we have all the time in the universe, isn't it?"

The Doctor keeps kissing her as he carries her, still holding onto his favorite book, back to the couch. He sits down so that her legs are on either side of his, with her arms wrapped around his neck. They both laugh at nothing before she slides off of him and sits beside him as he begins to teach her the basics of Gallifreyan.

* * *

That night, they are lying in the Doctor's bed. Rose is facing towards him. Her eyes are closed. She is breathing slowly. The Doctor watches her sleep, his face mere inches from hers. There is not a moment that goes by where he is not impressed by her strength. She has survived so much. Too much, he would argue. He often wonders what would have happened if things had been different. If she had never been broken. If he didn't have to watch her struggle through every day, searching for a reason to keep going on. Would he have ever developed the courage to make that first move? Would she have?

He reaches a hand out and pushes the hair of the sleeping girl behind her ear. "I love you," he whispers.

That's when he realizes that she is not sleeping at all. He can faintly see a smile pass her lips as he feels her hand reach out for his.

She opens her eyes. "I love you too." She scoots closer to him so that their noses just brush against each other. Their legs intertwine as she kisses him softly.

This all catches the Doctor off guard. He's not sure he would have said what he said if he knew she was awake. Not that he doesn't mean it, because he means it more than anything else he has ever meant. Nor does he regret saying it to her and her saying it back to him. In fact, right now, he is probably the happiest he has ever been. But he is scared. What happens when she continues to age and he doesn't?

And then there is the thought he doesn't want to think about, but cannot escape. Eventually, Rose will die. Time will slowly steal her from him, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. This is what has kept him from going after her a long time ago. He fell in love with her in the first form in which he met her. Two regenerations later, his feelings have only grown. He had hoped he would be able to keep enough distance from her to be able to handle the pain that would eventually hit him. Or maybe even push her away from him. She deserves more than he can give her. She deserves someone who will grow old with her, holding her hand until the very end of both of them.

But now he knows there is no chance of that. No one else will ever be able to understand what she has been through, both the good and the bad. And when he sees how happy she is traveling with him and how her eyes light up whenever they step foot on a new planet, there is no way he could ever take that away from her without completely hating himself.

So no. He will not try to distance himself from her or pull away. He won't try to do anything that might ease his pain down the road. He will do the only thing he can. He will dive head first into them. He will give her everything he possibly can. As far as all of his doubts and questions, they'll just cross those bridges when they come to them.

Rose's hand loosens its grip on his as she falls asleep for real this time, but it does not completely fall out of his grip. He tilts his head up and kisses her between her eyes. He rests his forehead against hers and closes his eyes before drifting off to sleep as well.

* * *

**AN: **_Sorry that took so long to post. I've been distracted by a Clara fic that popped into my head that I've been writing but am not sure I will publish._

_Here's the deal. This is where this specific fic ends. I know it leaves a lot of loose ends still blowing in the breeze, but for me this story was always more about the characters than the plotline. I know that this might upset some people, but the chapter is titled "Incomplete Lullaby" so what did you expect? (Also, great song. You should check it out.) However, I do have so ideas for a sequel to this story that will tie up those loose ends. I do not, however, have any timeline as to when I will be inspired to actually write said story. So I am going to apologize now for a) how long it will take me, and b) the things I plan to do in that fic. It will not be pretty. _


End file.
